The alligatorSports Brand Picks Column is nothing if not a medium for social movements.
We love occupying places; it really blurs the line between us homeless college students and you social activists. If you want to protest bad stuff, we’ll play ball.
Corporate greed, social inequality, a lack of bank regulations. Boo! Political corruption, police brutality, an ever-increasing reach in foreign policy. Occupy it! Student loan debt, tuition increases, Governor Rick Scott’s plans for higher education — we have signs for those things, too.
But we shouldn’t stop with politicians and bank executives. Let’s declare war on everything stupid. Shoulder-to-shoulder body traffic at Grog House, Kim Kardashian, weather that starts at 50 degrees in the morning and creeps up to 80 degrees by noon, girls who wear black spandex leggings to class and then get mad at people who stare: You have all been warned.
For now, though, let’s focus our power on The Swamp. Seriously, we’re not going to just let them charge us to watch such a disappointing product. Florida-Vanderbilt? Really? It’s time to Occupy Gators Football.
While we wait for Saturday, though, the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column let a couple of reform-minded writers debate the Oklahoma State-Kansas State game.
The Cowboys (-21) could win a draw with the 1 percent because…You’ve heard coaches refer to their recruits as “the top 1 percent of the 1 percent?” Well, Oklahoma State’s best players were the bottom 99 percent of the 99 percent.
Receiver Justin Blackmon didn’t get an offer from the elite Sooners. Instead, he has caught 30 touchdowns in the last two seasons in Stillwater, Okla. Quarterback Brandon Weeden couldn’t cut it playing minor league baseball. Now, he is a Heisman dark horse averaging 338.75 passing yards per game.
And if you got a problem with the Cowboys, you need to take it up with coach Mike Gundy. He acts like a man 99 percent of the time, every time.
— TYLER JETT
The Wildcats (+21) will bridge the gap between the 1 percent and those in descent because…Nothing says middle class like an overachieving Big 12 quarterback clad in purple.
And if anybody can end the madness and bring two disparate groups together, it’s dual-threat Kansas State signal-caller Collin Klein. He’s a man of the people — diverse enough to fit in with the running backs, and poised enough as a passer to be a leader of men.
He is tied for fourth in the NCAA with 16 rushing touchdowns, often giving up his body for a score. Those punks on Wall Street could learn a thing or two from his selflessness.
Okie State sure will.
— MATT WATTS
Now, on to the picks!
In first place with a 44-27 record is The Associated Press’ Mark “I kept my hands where they could see them” Long, whose 2008 Orange Bowl escapades were revealed this week. He wouldn’t give many details, and he swears he was only an observer, but apparently the night involved alcohol, a bathroom, a couple of women and the Gainesville Sun — a sexy laundry list if you ask us.
In second with a 41-30 record is alligatorSprots writer Greg “It should have been me” Luca, who skipped work Thursday to watch with jealous eyes as Billy Donovan’s son took the court at the O’Dome. Greg learned so much interviewing life coach Billy last year. Imagine spending a whole lifetime with the guy — Greg could have been an adult with dignity and self-respect.
Alone in third with a 38-33 record is FightinGators.com’s Cody “Men don’t actually drink this, do they?” Jones, who has tried and failed to drink a whole bottle of beer many times this season. Don’t feel peer pressured by that bitter beverage, Cody. Those Capri Sun pouches will always welcome you with open arms.
Leading a three-way charge for fourth with a 37-34 record is the Florida Times-Union’s Michael “You kids will never know true beauty” DiRocco, who was appalled when a couple younger writers didn’t know who actress Jami Gertz was. We also don’t recognize New Wave music, acid-washed jeans or 8-bit video games. Sorry we’re not sorry.
Tied with Mike is alligatorSports writer Tyler “I didn’t know this was a black-tie breakfast” Jett, who ate a lox bagel for the first time and learned those little green peas are actually called capers. Don’t worry, they’ll never put such fancy-sounding spices in your Cap’n Crunch or GoGurt.
Rounding out the group in fourth is alligatorSports assistant editor Matt “I’ve been where blind men see” Watts, who once requested “The Scott Stapp” at a Hair Cuttery in Jacksonville. In Watts’ defense, a shoulder-length mane is a good look if you want to attract heavy medal hotties with arms wide open.
Still in seventh with a 36-35 record is InsideTheGators.com’s Kyle “Wrinkles are cute” Maistri, who became excited upon learning that you only need to be able to walk and live life without a diaper to be considered a sex symbol at a nursing home. You’re only 60 years away, Kyle, but why wait? Eighty-five is the new 25.
And in dead-ass last place with a piss-poor 34-37 record is alligatorSports editor Tom “My shag wagon!” Green, whose chances of scoring on Halloween went out the window when someone sideswiped his Lincoln Town & Country. Yup, that was the problem. It had nothing to do with your Charlie Weis costume, which is this year’s version of the Steve Addazio disguise.
