This week’s edition of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column finds our crew soul-searching, desperate for meaning in our lives.
We’re talking about the bye week, the time each year where we find out just how much covering the Gators consumes our otherwise pathetic lives.
WE HAVE NOTHING WITHOUT THIS.
No Brent Pease press conference on Tuesday? Uh, well, there’s not much to do after going to Tijuana Flats.
No D.J. Durkin on Wednesday? Is there a taco deal in Gainesville on Wednesdays?
Maybe we should go to the library (Which building is that?) and study for a change.
Nah. We’ll just watch some football instead.
The biggest game on our television sets will be the Alabama-Texas A&M matchup, debated by Adam Lichtenstein and Adam Pincus — two guys who literally have nothing else meaningful to do since UF is off this weekend.
The Aggies (+8) will make it déjà vu all over again for the Crimson Tide because…
Of a young man named Johnny Football. The autograph-signin’, reckless-tweetin’ and Heisman-winnin’ gunslinger will continue the Miami Dolphins’ love affair with Texas A&M, beating Nick Saban and beating him good. There’s room for two former Aggies quarterbacks in Sun Life Stadium next year, right?
- Adam Pincus
Alabama (-8) will paint Texas A&M’s scoreboard black because..
Saban is a genius. He’s the Albert Einstein of football. The Isaac Newton of the college defense.The Mick Jagger of recruiting. While Manziel was signing autographs, Saban — the noted Rolling Stones fan — was plotting his revenge somewhere deep in the bowels of Bryant-Denny Stadium. Have some Sympathy for the Devil. Johnny Football will be wishing someone would give him shelter, but, sorry, Johnny, You Can’t Always Get What You Want.
-Adam Lichtenstein
Now onto the picks!
Leading the pack at 12-4 is alligatorSports Editor Phil “Got milk?” Heilman, who expressed his undying and disturbing love of milk during the car ride to Miami last weekend. “Sometimes I drink a whole gallon of milk without even realizing it,” he said. We can see it now. Phil blacking out in an alley surrounded by empty milk cartons.
Tied for first is Alligator Staff Writer Adam “Wait, what?” Pincus, who learned this weekend that roommates do, in fact, share a living space. Sorry, buddy, but all those people who left you behind and said y’all could be still be “secret roommates” lied to you. We’re here for you ... just somewhere else.
Siiting at 11-5 is FightinGators.com’s Cody “No. 2” Jones, who, much like Florida’s offense, dropped a deuce last Saturday in Sun Life Stadium. Even worse, Cody’s came during the national anthem. Show some damn respect.
Next in the standings at 10-6 is Joe “Greatest moment of my life” Morgan, who was left looking for a cold shower after learning he could possibly write a review of the new Blu-Ray release of Monsters University. Weird fetish, dude.
At 9-7 is Thomas “I can only watch so much film” Goldkamp, who tweeted about NASCAR and soccer during UF’s bye week. Someone get this guy some new game tape to watch, stat.
Also at 9-7 is Adam “Maybe she’s horny!” Lichtenstein, whose dad is more in-tune with the sexual desires of Adam’s girlfriend than he is. Keep your chin up, bud. Those instincts are what got you here. Like father, like son? Perhaps one day.
Sitting at .500 with an 8-8 record is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Where the hell is the bathroom?” Thompson, who threatened to urinate in a trash can in the Sun Life Stadium press box after finding one restroom out of order. Take it easy, big fella. Just ask someone where the closest lavatory is next time.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 6-10 is Bryan “Tampa sports teams are ruining my life” Holt, who would be ecstatic if the Buccaneers matched that record this season. Don’t worry, bud. At least the Rays are — BAHAHAHA!
Quarterback Johnny Manziel (2) eludes Josh Evans during UF’s 20-17 win at Texas A&M on Sept. 8.
