Ever since Florida’s season started falling apart in early October, I’ve been waiting for an old-fashioned press conference blowup.
In a season like this — when bad became depressing and depressing became pathetic — you can usually rely on an honest, somewhat-embarrassing rallying cry. But not at Florida. Urban Meyer is too introverted, at least publicly.
And his players have been programmed to answer questions with one of three responses: “We just got to keep working hard,” “We beat ourselves” or “You should see how good we are on film.”
So here we are, watching a 7-5 team and hearing nothing about practice habits (What are we talkin’ about? Practice?) or letting a game slip away (Les Miles was who we thought he was!). In a year like this, the art of the impromptu rant could relieve the sadness, if only briefly.
But if Urban won’t do it, we should at least applaud someone who would. When Bob Green retired two weeks ago after 24 seasons with the proud Montana Tech Orediggers, the sporting world lost the Vince Lombardi of NAIA postgame press conferences.
So, drawing from his most famous speeches, here is how we can imagine Green would have reacted to Florida’s downfall this season.
“Those are gone. I got a short memory. Just like when I was in the third grade — two of the best years of my life.”
After Florida dropped games to Alabama and LSU, the Gators needed to move on. There were still six games left in the regular season, and they could still win the SEC East.
“We’re kind of like a woodpecker in a petrified forest. Just keep busy and look for opportunities.”
There is no more damning way to describe the futility of Florida’s offense this season. Florida kept looking for solutions.
First it was the “dive play, all day” offense. Then it was a two-quarterback system. Then it was a three-quarterback system. And, finally, it was a no-huddle attack like Orgeon.
But no matter what Florida ran, nothing worked. Among SEC teams, the Gators rank 10th in total offense.
“We’re kind of like (79-year-old country singer) George Jones going to a hip-hop concert. Not much harmony there.”
At least part of Florida’s offensive problems can be blamed on its line.
The Gators have allowed 23 sacks this season, good for just seventh-best in the conference.
Florida’s front five was billed as one of the best in the nation entering this season, but the unit has underwhelmed. The Gators’ formerly explosive offense is averaging just 4.3 yards per rush, and John Brantley was never able to get in a rhythm.
“When I was your age, I studied far into the night by the light of a single candle. I sat right in the front row, walked both ways uphill five miles to school, raised my hand all the time, studied and one day I finally got an ‘A.’ And my grandma beat the heck out of me for cheating.”
Florida’s offense seemed to finally click after losing to Mississippi State. Steve Addazio said he was happy to see his group’s hard work finally pay off with wins against Georgia and Vanderbilt.
But those wins held little value. They were nothing more than smoke and mirrors against bad competition. And when Florida played South Carolina at home for the SEC East championship, the Gators looked ugly once again.
“That’s a double-edged sword. It’s kind of like watching your mother-in-law go off a cliff in a Cadillac. You’ve got mixed feelings.”
You won’t ever be happy losing to Florida State. The Seminoles were your little stepbrother — useful only because they made you look better.
But Saturday’s loss, a 31-7 thrashing, finally put this dreadful regular season to an end.
Also, losing so poorly to a rival will be motivating. And pretty much any premier recruit could start immediately next season, if that sort of thing appeals to them.
And at least there’s still a bowl game. The Gators, who have split their last two games, can end the year on a positive note.
“It’s kind of a math thing, you know. If we lost our last one, we’d lost two out of three. But if we WON our last one, we’d won our last two out of three.”
