A long time ago, when I was a weaker man, a “friend” of mine hosted a party and had the gall to charge everyone who went a cover. Not a suggested donation to cover party expenses; straight-up cover.
We’ll call him Taylor Lautner.
He alleged the party “would be the talk of the university.”
The theme of the party was delightfully crude: “CEOs and office hoes.” I’d promised to drive a friend from the party to get Taco Bell. When I arrived to pick him up, Taylor Lautner demanded I pay a cover to go in. I didn’t want to make a scene, so I just paid him and found my friends.
Only eight dudes and the host’s girlfriend had shown up. The dent made in the alcohol was far less than the dent in the attendees’ wallets.
Taylor Lautner did not give us any of our money back.
While this experience didn’t serve as the wake-up call it should have for me, it did get the boulder rolling for one of the more important realizations to have here: There are a lot of crummy people at UF — particularly of the sophomoric variety.
While you’ll hear the administration and faculty boast of a continuing increase in the quality of students here, one need only attend a single lecture in an intro to telecommunication class to see that quite a few dumb-dumbs still get into UF.
Hell, it’s only been three days, and I’ve met a political science major who said the national issue of greatest import to her was “Obamacare,” because “people seem to keep saying it’s something to be concerned about.”
If average GPA and SAT scores for the freshman class keep increasing, then how do these specimens of astounding stupidity continue to get into this university?
I have a theory that isn’t backed up by much evidence and probably has a lot of holes.
However, my study of broadcast news has taught me that passing off such a theory as fact on prime-time television fits under the definition of journalism, so that’s exactly what I’m going to do.
(See: the Miami zombie never having done bath salts, whatever is playing on Fox News at the time of you reading this.)
Whenever I’ve had the misfortune of falling into a conversation with a dumb-dumb, I’ve asked them if their parents went here. Invariably, the majority of them say “yes.” I think UF, like many other universities across the country, weighs the children of alumni more favorably than kids who don’t have any alumni in their immediate family.
Why else would they ask you to list the alumni in your family on your application if they didn’t?
If you look up the history of admission statistics for UF — or the history of any large state school, really — you’ll see that there was a significant period where these schools accepted just about anyone. Spouses typically have similar levels of intelligence, as do their kids.
And it’s these kids who I think are inflating the levels of bourgie floozies in our classes.
Just to be clear, I’m not saying all the children of alumni are part of this dumb-dumb infestation. I have a string of alumni in my immediate family myself that no doubt helped in my admission. But when you do meet someone in your classes with questionable credentials, how else can you explain it?
Having alumni family members is one of the few remaining intelligence-neutral aspects of admission, since the state of Florida outlaws considering race and gender as factors.
I can’t think of any other way to explain the large number of premeds turned entrepreneurial club promoters who roam our halls.
Can you?
Chip Skambis is a telecommunication senior at UF. You can contact him at opinions@alligator.org.
