Typical college students deal with health issues ranging from the oh-so common Sunday morning hangover to herpes of the mouth, courtesy of excessive beer pong playing with sketchy roommates.
For the employees of the Independent Florida Alligator, the cause of our mysterious physical ailments come at the hand of rodentia muridae - giant black rats, like straight out of a James Herbert novel.
One by one, we've been dropping more quickly than a one-legged man in an ass-kicking contest as symptoms such as an increased affinity for hot Wisconsin cheddar ravage even the most stalwart Alligator staffer.
Friends, we are not talking about cute, cuddly pet rats but creatures so cruel that even an unattended plate of fried cow testicles will disappear quicker than a boring guest on "The View."
Just imagine the biggest rat you've ever seen, times ten, coming off an off-season spent under Barry Bonds' esteemed medical direction circa 2001.
Sadly, one staffer (already reeling from a tragic Spring Break mishap) made the dreaded mistake of wearing a T-shirt bearing the line "I'm the big cheese" along with a picture of a golden wheel of Gouda.
Let's just say we will miss her daily crooning of Taylor Swift's "Love Story," spreading goodness and warmth throughout the newsroom.
The Editorial Board fears that if the rat infestation continues to wreak havoc throughout the newsroom that our beloved opinions editor may be forced to run - gasp - a U-Wire column on Page 7.
Help us. Please. We beg you.
