“I do not deserve this.”
A constant thought, five words. Repeated again and again, like a song on a never ending, infuriating loop. You never know when you are going to think “it,” the unwanted words, always popping up at the most inconvenient times. Whether it be at the peak of excitement after placing at a Speech tournament or during the roar of a crowd after kicking a goal winning shot — “I do not deserve this” — a phrase that pollutes the elation of any victory.
Imposter syndrome.
Defined as the psychological phenomenon of not feeling success internally despite being high-performing externally, the syndrome is characterized by a constant anxiety and dread that those around you will believe you are a “fraud.” It can develop from a plethora of different situations — achieving top grades, getting first place, obtaining a summer internship, being worthy of your friendships — no matter the cause, the symptoms present in the same way. Basically, anywhere someone can succeed means they are equally able to become a victim of imposter syndrome.
Imposter syndrome is a feeling I find very familiar. I feel it when I look at the admissions statistics of this year’s incoming freshman class and realize my test scores were outside the median accepted. Or when I grapple with the reality that there are people more qualified than me, and yet I hold officer positions in clubs on campus. Even when I get hired for an assignment, I often tell myself it's only because I was unopposed, even when I know I am most certainly not. It feels like everything I achieve is silenced under the weight of my own mind.
There is this disparity between what I know and how I feel. I know the accolades I have won are justified. I have earned the positions I hold. The organizations I call home I know need me. Yet, no matter what I do there is a disconnect omnipresent, I know I have earned these things but I do not feel like I am deserving. I am not enough.
And these thoughts are not exclusively mine, it’s a common consensus among everyone I call my friends, some of the most qualified and dedicated individuals I have ever met never let themselves feel like they are “good enough” for their achievements.
Around 70% of people report feeling imposter syndrome at some point in their life, and honestly how can you not? On a campus of over 50,000 students it feels like an impossible task to not compare yourself to everyone around you. Constantly wondering what you can do to be better. Whatever you can do to best take advantage of the numerous opportunities in front of you, because you tell yourself if you do not take advantage you are wasting your potential. You force yourself to obsess over doing whatever it takes to cultivate a better future for yourself out of fear that if you do not you will end up a failure.
We, as students, get told over and over again that these four years of undergrad are supposed to be the “best years of your life,” so why do I spend so much time comparing my “best years” to all those who surround me? When did spending breaks in between classes laughing with friends become the only time to cram for the next interview? Nights in Marston spent until three in the morning pushing ourselves to submit to every possible application available in our discipline, and if we get awarded one? We think of every possible excuse for why we did not deserve it in the first place.
No matter who you are or how much you do, imposter syndrome can affect anyone. The pressure to compare yourself to your peers is, at times, overwhelming.
If you are anything like me when I get into an “imposter syndrome” mindset I have the tendency to be disheartened, knowing that there will always be someone better than me. But there will also always be someone worse. In these moments it’s important to take a step back, take a deep breath, and reassure yourself that the only person you can truly strive to surpass is the person you were yesterday. And at the end of the day, that’s all that truly matters.
Morgan Vanderlaan is a UF political science and English freshman.
