Oh boy.
It’s that time again, guys and gals. It’s Week 1 of the college football season, and with that comes everyone’s least favorite annual tradition: the alligatorSports picks column.
What horrible, atrocious, god-awful takes lie within? Only God knows.
And we know. But we decided to write them anyway.
The Gators have a bye this week after proving that you can indeed win a football game even if you don’t want to in their 24-20 victory over Miami on Saturday. But even with UF’s sabbatical, the picks column marches onward.
Before we meet this season’s pickers, Dylan Rudolph and Sports Editor Tyler Nettuno give their predictions on Week 1’s most anticipated matchup — the Eastern Michigan Eagles at the Coastal Carolina Chanticleers.
Eastern Michigan (-6) will win because…
The Eagles are a team on the rise. Coach Chris Creighton has turned around one of the worst football programs in the country since his arrival in 2014.
Though he went a combined 3-21 in his first two years with the program, he has begun to right the ship in recent years, going 19-19 the last three seasons with two wins against Power 5 teams (Rutgers and Purdue), and his team is primed for a breakout year.
This is going to be a team that leans on its offense, something new after losing seven starters on its reliable defense last year. It is going to wear down teams with its running game using senior running back Shaq Vann, who led the team in yards on the ground last year with 590 and tacked on five touchdowns.
Coastal Carolina, on the other hand, allowed opponents to run all over it in 2018. The Chanticleers permitted the opposition 2933 rush yards last season, good for 10th worst in the country according to ESPN. CCU simply does not match up well with Eastern Michigan, and the Chanticleers are going to move to Australia after being defeated by EMU.
— Dylan Rudolph
Coastal Carolina will win because…
It is, by my calculations, the only program in FBS history built by an executive of a Fortune 500 company.
Seriously, look it up.
Joe Moglia, who coached the Chanticleers from 2012 until his retirement following last season, was the CEO of TD Ameritrade before becoming the head man in Conway, South Carolina.
Unfortunately for CCU, new coach Jamey Chadwell’s background is exclusively in football.
Still, Coastal improved from 3-9 in 2017 to 5-7 last year in its first season as a full FBS member. Its conference, the Sun Belt, is top heavy. But Coastal Carolina could improve that record due to weak pieces at the bottom of the league.
Not convinced yet?
Its mascot — the Chanticleer — is a fabled rooster from Chaucer’s “The Canterbury Tales”. How dope is that?
CCU’s business acumen — paired with all the powers of a medieval chicken— will help it prevail on Saturday.
— Tyler Nettuno
Now onto the picks…
Tyler “I Never Change My Badass Frat Composite Profile Picture” Nettuno leads the charge as sports editor here at the Alligator. Luckily for us, he has finally decided to change his Twitter, Facebook and Instagram profile picture after three years on staff. When was that pic even taken, Tyler? Your first CJC Career Day? Y i k e s. Anyways, we appreciate the friendlier demeanor you have decided to take on social media following UF’s headache of a win against Miami. Now please, change your GroupMe photo, too, while you’re at it.
Next, we have Assistant Sports Editor Mari “Every HR Department’s Worst Nightmare” Faiello, who thought that it would be a good idea to reinstitute the sports section “poll”, which basically boils down to an office popularity contest. It has resulted in every member of sports staff pandering to Mari to secure top spots on the pointless rankings. It’s ok, Mari. We get that you like judging people. Just don’t come crying to me when we have a mutiny on our hands.
Then we have Online Sports Editor Sam “Tinder God” Campisano, who felt the need to ask alligatorSports photographer Chris King to take a picture of him, alone, for the profile of his dating app of choice. Even after Chris took a wholesome photo of all four football writers together. We’re glad Sam finally has a smoldering pic so he doesn’t have to complain about his sub-par profile at the office anymore. We just hope he remembers us when he’s drowning in right swipes.
There’s Dylan “Do You Know Who My Dad Is?” Rudolph, whose father — while handing out credentials at Camping World Stadium — introduced himself to Tyler by saying, “You work with my son.” It’s cool, Dylan. Your dad’s a big shot. It just would’ve been nice if he could’ve given us more than two seats in the press box for four people.
Then you have the pretentious Kyle “Staff Writer aka Hybrid Reporter” Wood, who doesn’t even have the general decency anymore to identify himself a sports writer. It’s sad to say that sports isn’t good enough for him, which is why sprots (yes, the typo is intentional) catches him canoodling with news every time he comes into the office for copy editing. We get it Kyle, you’re talented and think you’re the best. And while you may have news fooled, you can’t fool us.
That completes The Alligator’s staff. Now to introduce our guest pickers.
First there’s the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “No Cheering in the Press Box” Hall. Graham felt the need to share his concerns about bias at Saturday’s game by sliding into Tyler’s Twitter DMs. Apparently, a certain representative from a certain non-UF student newspaper was wearing a polo with a certain, well-known, U-shaped sports logo on it. We get it, Graham, you’re a purist. But calm down, we all know you wore a Florida shirt a time or two during your Alligator editor days.
Then there’s GatorCountry’s Nick “Feleipe Franks is the Starting Quarterback” de la Torre, who masochistically feels the need to hold a halftime Q&A for every game. Even when Florida’s trailing at the break to a team it was supposed to blow out. Let’s get real, 99% of those questions are dumpster fires, and yet, you persist. You’re an addict, and we understand. But how many different ways can you say that we aren’t going to see Emory Jones?
Who could forget the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Put Me In Coach” Thompson, who played the role of an offensive lineman when Feleipe Franks reenacted his second interception. There’s nothing wrong with reliving the glory days, Edgar. But for your sake and Feleipe’s, we’re glad you weren’t blocking on that play. If so, this section would be in memoriam.
The final representative of our returning guest pickers is the AP’s Mark “Gamblin’” Long, whose love of picking college football games outweighed his general disdain for student media. We’re glad to have you, Mark. Please like us.
And finally, we have two newcomers in Sports Illustrated-GatorMaven’s Zach Goodall and ChompTalk’s Brian Fox, both of whom have inexplicably decided to be a part of this disaster. Welcome aboard, gentlemen. We know you’ll regret it.
