A few years ago, I found myself in a messy situation. I had been dating a guy for two months, and he clearly wanted to take the relationship to the next level. Although our personalities meshed well and I enjoyed being around him, something wasn’t right. I didn’t know what it was until one day he leaned in to kiss me, and I leaned away. At that point I realized I was attracted to his personality, not him. I broke up with him and like any person with a conscience, I felt horrible.
The sad truth is this is something that happens too many. Oftentimes, people find themselves in full-blown relationships and even marriages where they’re not attracted to their partner, and sometimes people lose the attraction they once held for their partner. It’s important to understand you can love someone but not be attracted to them. If that’s the case, clearly there’s no great way to tell your partner. However, here’s some advice on how to deal with this type of situation.
First and foremost, chances are your partner already knows something is up. You’ve stopped going on dates, stopped being intimate and stopped communicating effectively. If you haven’t flat out told them through your words, then you’ve certainly done it through your actions. Therefore, one thing you can do is sit your partner down and talk to them.
You can start off by saying something like this: “I need to talk about something that’s been weighing on me.” During this talk it’s vital you use the appropriate tone. Your tone shouldn’t be angry or resentful. It might be helpful to write what you want to say, then read it out loud. Practice your tone and delivery before the talk. By doing so, you’ll feel somewhat prepared for the conversation. While you’re talking to your partner, be open-minded and prepare to hear things you may not want to hear. This conversation is emotional. Your partner might get upset, shut down or even start to cry. They are allowed to feel and express their emotions, but they also deserve the truth. At any point, if the conversation seems to be escalating into an argument, it’s perfectly okay to end it, take a breather and continue the conversation at another time.
Let’s say you’re not ready for a conversation. It could be because you still don’t understand why you feel the way you do. It’s important to take time and sort through your feelings. Try to answer the question of why you’re feeling this way. Why aren’t you attracted to your partner? It could be because their physical appearance changed, or they’ve changed in general. And maybe it’s not them. Maybe it’s you. However, before you talk to your partner, make sure you have all of this sorted out. Otherwise this conversation won’t be effective.
Sometimes you don’t need to have a conversation. Actions speak louder than words. Before jumping straight into a serious discussion, try to rectify the situation through your actions. Don’t forget about the little things you loved about your partner when you first met them. Becoming complacent in your relationship is never a good thing, and it is probably what landed you in this situation. Nurturing your love through your daily actions is a great first step in reviving your attraction.
A few years ago, when I realized I was no longer attracted to the person I was dating, I made a conscious decision to never be in that same position again. By understanding my true feelings, working through them and communicating effectively, I was able to fix an ugly situation, and I hope you can, too.
Anede Siffort is a UF journalism senior. Her column appears on Fridays.
