Your relationship is probably toxic. Here’s why.

I used to see this girl who would giggle under her breath and say “mine” to me. Now and then, she’d ask me something like “aren’t I yours?” or the inverse. But as negligible as it might be, it was something I couldn’t stand --  not because I have any issue with monogamy, but rather she wished to take ownership of me, albeit still wishing to be owned herself.

The conflation of romance and ownership has been malignant ever since the second male property owner invented marriage to protect their bloodline after “inheriting” -- or stealing -- everything from the first, which is why people still take each other’s names in marriage. We get rid of our name, the name we’ve had since birth, to show how much we love each other and to clearly show who owns whom.

This idea your partner is your property is recognizable throughout almost every way we talk about our relationships. Besides being incredibly sexist, the phrase “wearing the pants” comes to mind. Not only does it continue to uphold the idea of male heteronormative superiority, but it also points to someone making more decisions. It glorifies the dominance we hold over our partner.

But more troublesome is talk of “the one” and “soulmates.” The idea two people “belong together” is fetishization. And, more importantly, it’s a targeted attack on our insecurity that says “you will only be complete with someone else’s help.” And then after that, you get into how “there will be a singular person who we think you should have sex with and hang out with forever. And to have the same relationship with others is wrong.” These ideas internalize the psychological restraints we commonly put on one another.

The most common restraint has always been a sexual one. And while you don’t have to be comfortable with the thought of your partner having sex with others or fantasizing about it, you do have to accept they are their own person with thoughts and desires.

Often times when someone’s cheated on, it’s not their partner they (or the general public) get mad at. Instead, it’s usually the person or persons who their partner cheated on them with (such as Monica Lewinsky, who was blasted after her involvement with former President Bill Clinton). Of course, it’s not okay to break trust with others. I’m simply acknowledging the reality of why we’re mad — it’s because our property was infringed upon, not our trust. You wouldn’t leave your dog poop in my yard so how will you have sex with my partner?

And this same idea is why we’ve also all heard stories of toxic relationships where one partner controls who the other goes out with or is allowed to see. Heck, that makes up most of our sitcoms and movies. But why do they think they have to do this? To protect themselves and their status.

This sounds like apologism for abuse in relationships. There’s no excuse for toxicity towards your partner. But most relationships are already toxic. They are not based out of love. But instead, they formulate something like love out of constraints toward each other. I don’t know what the answer to this is. Maybe it’s as simple as open communication. But I know I refuse to be owned or to hold ownership over anyone.

Levi Cooper is a UF English Senior. His column normally appears on Wednesdays.