The brick-red buildings on campus are usually alive and buzzing, but tonight they are muted and sleepy as you jog out of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium. The whole campus is hibernating. The rattle of a lone scooter can be heard in the distance. Spanish moss sways in the late-night breeze. It’s not nearly as hot as during the day, which is why you like to run the stadium steps in the dark like some sort of small Saharan mammal avoiding the midday sun. Your quads burn. But after all that exercise, you need nourishment. Across the street from you, fluorescent lights shine like a beacon through the foggy windows of Gator Corner Dining Center. Condensation from the humid air frosts the glass, obscuring the inside. It seems oddly empty.
You are drawn like a moth to the promise of a sandwich and make your way across the intersection. As you cross, your mind dreams of what lies inside: endless bowls of Cinnamon Toast Crunch, a buffet of ice cream, cookies, salads, and granola. A mix of guilty pleasures and healthy food. But as you approach the front doors, there are no exiting stragglers. You pull at the door but the stiff metal doesn’t budge. Your fantasies crash and burn. You are too late. As the mental image of a sandwich fades, an old familiar ache replaces it. Only one thought crosses your mind:
Darts & Laurels
We wish there was a bigger story in the national headlines this week. Desperately. For everyone involved. But the confirmation hearings of Judge Brett M. Kavanaugh are hogging the spotlight, so we’ll address them first. Kavanaugh stands accused of sexual assault by Christine Blasey Ford, who said that Kavanaugh assaulted her during high school in the 1980s. This story is too big, and the magnitude of the accusations too heavy for us to do it justice by joking about it.
A laurel to every person, woman or man, who has stood up to sexual assault. Report it. Tell someone. Even if it is thirty years later, and the person who did it is about to take a seat on the nation’s highest court. We believe in you. You can do this.
On to more uplifting news: Tom Petty’s daughter, Adria Petty, and wife, Dana York, have made a new Tom Petty album possible. “An American Legend” will be released next Friday. It includes a host of unreleased material and alternate versions of songs. Many laurels seem to be merited here, so we award a laurel each to: Adria Petty, Dana York and the bandmates who helped make it possible, including Mike Campbell and Benmont Tench along with studio collaborator Ryan Ulyate.
On an unrelated but very important note, a laurel to Tom Petty for making “Wildflowers,” which is known as the best album to ever grace the ears of man, woman or child. If you haven’t listened to it, you need to. Right now. Stop reading this editorial and do it. Seriously. A dart to you if you don’t.
The most important story this week didn’t make many headlines, however, and it concerns Florida’s most beloved grocer. You may be familiar with their slogan: Where purchasing is a hedonic exercise in self-indulgence. (It’s Publix, guys.) We’re going to take that literally as we gorge on pub subs, all of which are on sale until Wednesday. That’s $5.99 for a bread boat overstocked with crispy chicken tender passengers.
A savory, crunchy, salty laurel to Publix chicken tenders. A second laurel to whoever came up with this idea; you’ve made Publix millions. A third laurel to those watching faithfully for the sale, guardians of appetite and value, who alert the world and herald deliciousness with the announcement. We thank you.
To those who have the audacity, the shamelessness, the chutzpah to walk into a Publix and order anything but a chicken tender sub, a sad and lonely dart to you.
