Picks column: A belated home opener

It’s been 308 days since UF has seen a college football game played in the confines of Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.

That’s a long time. That’s a really long time. That’s over 26.6 million seconds long if you want to get technical with it, which we here at alligatorSports love to do.

But in all seriousness, when the Gators take on the Tennessee Volunteers this Saturday at 3:30 p.m., it’ll mark the first time since 1980 Florida is holding its home opener later than Week 2 of the regular season. #Throwback.

We know you fans are giddy with excitement to watch UF play in person. However, let us quickly remind you what happened the last time the Gators faced Tennessee: They blew a 21-0 lead and ultimately lost the game by 10 points.

Yikes.

Now, on a brighter note, let's get to our game of the week. Sports editor Matt Brannon and sports writer Ethan Bauer are debating Southern California vs. Texas. Take it away guys.

Southern California (-15.5) will win because …

It’s not so much that I’m picking the Trojans, it’s more than I’m picking against the Longhorns. Texas has been the NCAA’s consummate underachiever, having had only one season with more than eight wins since an embarrassing national championship loss in 2009.

And while history hasn’t been too kind to the Longhorns, things haven’t really improved since. Texas lost to Maryland, 51-41, to open the season. Then they blew out the completely irrelevant team of San Jose State. (News flash: San Jose is not a state).

USC on the other hand couldn’t be in better shape. The Trojans are the No. 4 team in the nation. Last week, they waltzed into then No. 14 Stanford’s stadium and nearly won by three touchdowns. USC’s offense has scored more than 40 points in each of their wins this year and are playing against a Texas team that barely broke a 30-point average in 2016.

This one’s all USC. The Trojans may have fallen to a horse 10,000 years ago, but on Saturday they’ll have no trouble wrangling the Longhorns’ misfit crew of cattle.

- Matt Brannon

Texas (+15.5) will win because …

There’s one vitally important reason the Longhorns have the advantage here. Tom Herman, Texas’ first-year head coach, tracks his players’ urine coloration. Over all the toilets in Texas’ facility, there are charts that inform players that if their piss is dark yellow, then they’re a “bad guy!!!” Some might argue that this attention to detail is nonsensical, unhelpful and ridiculous. Maybe even insane. But if you can’t see the value in overseeing your team right down to the bathroom, I feel sorry for you. I mean, just think of how many scandals it avoids. Think of how much it improves the on-field product. Texas may have lost to Maryland in Week 1 51-41, but imagine how much worse that could’ve been without the urinary oversight. The results spoke for themselves a week later when the Longhorns beat San Jose State 56-0, and they’ll speak again against the Trojans.

- Ethan Bauer

Now, our competitors:

Leading off in the standings with a record of 9-6 is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “better late than never” Thompson. Edgar picked one game incorrectly last week, catapulting him to the top of the standings. How did he respond this week? By not in sending any picks at all, until we called him minutes before deadline. Smooth.

Tied for second in the standings with a record of 8-7 is the Alligator’s Matt “Just an all-around great guy” Brannon, who got stuck writing burns for every other writer this week, and did a great job. Except for the one burn he didn't write that sticks out as being way worse than the others.

Also tied for second at 8-7 is the Alligator’s Ethan “tie-guy” Bauer, has been bending the rules of business casual lately, wearing outfits that aren't nice enough to be fancy, but not bad enough to make him look homeless. We'll let his loved ones break the news that jeans paired with a baby blue tie is a match made in hell.

Also tied for second at 8-7 is 247Sports’ Thomas “I made these picks in 30 seconds” Goldkamp, who brags about how little effort he puts into picking eight college football games every week. We get it, Thomas, we're all very proud that you have the ability to select one team over an other with no research. Although it'll definitely come back to bite you.

Also tied for second at 8-7 is the GatorCountry’s Nick “Last question” de la Torre, who has developed a reputation for asking coach Jim McElwain a final question even as the coach is leaving the podium. One of these days, McElwain is going to tackle you because he just wants

to get back to riding horses, hanging out with family and talking about Montana.

Next up at 7-8 is the Alligator’s Dylan “Smells like a dorm room” Dixon. Dylan either smells like a dorm room because he buys generic bulk cleaning products or because he has an imaginary girlfriend that lives in a dorm. Not sure which is better.

Tied with Dylan at 7-8 is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “Doesn't know anything about music” Hall, who confused Mouse Davis with Miles Davis. Come on Graham, get your culture up.

Last and least is the Alligator’s Ian “I really suck at this s---” Cohen, whose record is so putrid and embarrassing we’re choosing not to publish it. How is it possible for someone to get so many games wrong after only two weeks of action?

(This article has been updated to reflect that Texas lost to Maryland and beat San Jose State).