Popular notions of romance may be encouraging non-consensual sex

There’s an ailment afflicting young people today. It’s not a disease or a behavioral epidemic, but an idea. It is an idea that affects our entire approach to intimacy. It stems from our phobia of discomfort, of appearing foolish or being declined. It is the idea that there exists such a thing as a “right moment.” Allow me to elaborate.

This begins from a familiar place. Anyone who has ever been declined when asking for a date has had the same thoughts, “What if I had asked differently?” or “What if this was the wrong time?” It’s normal. We don’t want to believe that another person is not interested, so we deflect blame to the circumstances. In a way it can be healthy, shielding us from a blow to our self-esteem and emboldening us to try again.

As we grow older, we find support for this deflection in popular media. Films and TV feature partners simply happening upon relationships. Two people standing in the rain lock eyes and know they were meant for each other and without a word share a passionate kiss. The heroes narrowly escape danger and fall to the nearest bed for some passionate “thank-god-we’re-still-alive” sex. Circumstances align, and everybody involved knows this is the moment.

While situations this dramatic are clearly an exaggeration, we still come away with a troubling notion: that romantic moments must “arise naturally.” It is telling that campus lectures about consent are met with cries that asking first “spoils the mood.” We are so attached to the notion that romance only happens in a narrow, perfect moment that we are willing to risk violating personal boundaries.

This idea is amplified by the notion of scarcity. Recent polls by Marist and Gallup show that the majority of Americans believe in soulmates and love at first sight. This, in turn, makes us fear not only losing a chance at love, but losing the only person who could ever love us. Media influences, as well as age-old cultural and religious beliefs, reinforce the idea that the right partner is “one-in-a-million.” I implore you to read works by any professional who studies sex and relationships. You’ll note that not one of them entertains the notion of such extreme scarcity.

So, the “right moment” idea may be wrong, but is it necessarily harmful? If we were content to wait for our moment, no, but if we did that everyone would be single forever. Instead, we nudge circumstances to create our own “right moment,” and this creates problems. If we teach that it is acceptable to pursue someone who will only date or sleep with you in a narrow set of circumstances, we incentivize taking measures to create that moment. These measures can include stalking or violating personal space. Often they include excessive drinking and at the extreme end, even rape. If asking for consent would ruin the moment, we shouldn’t be surprised to see this behavior.

The fact of the matter is there will rarely be a “right moment.” If the answer will be “no” until one specific set of circumstances, it will likely be “no” again after, and you’ll find yourself more hurt and disappointed than you would be simply facing rejection. Instead, we can learn to be straightforward about our intentions. If we’re interested in someone, we can say so. If we want something, we can ask respectfully. Sometimes you’ll be turned down, and sometimes you won’t. If that’s something you can’t handle, you shouldn’t be dating anyway.

David Billig is a UF linguistics master’s student. His column appears on Wednesdays.