I hate concerts: a reflection on concerts, and why I hate them

I hate concerts. There, I said it. I hate concerts. I hate being packed like a sardine in a big crowd of sweaty people. I hate nodding my head idly to the lackluster performances of small-time opening acts. I hate it when opening acts play long sets. I hate ticketing websites’ “convenience fees.” I hate overpriced T-shirts. I hate that touring acts always sell warped vinyl. I hate buying something at the merchandise table at the beginning of the night only to realize I have to hold it for the rest of the show. I hate people loudly singing in my ear when I am trying to enjoy the show. I hate how sweaty my legs, armpits and forehead get while I am standing in the audience. I hate the way the bottoms of my feet ache after standing for three hours. I hate bouncers. I hate other people’s body odor. I hate poor mixing. I hate poor lighting. I hate the way sold-out shows are so crowded and some venues are so poorly designed that in a fire, several people would certainly be trampled on their way out of the venue.

I hate this band’s new album. I hate that they devoted half of their set to playing those songs. I hate fans who only want to hear this band’s old material. I hate meeting musicians at the merchandise table. I hate the way fans approach them, like they owe their fans more than driving across the country to perform the same songs they have been playing for months. I hate obnoxious audience members who shout obscure titles for the band to play during the time between songs. I hate that audience members feel entitled to having their requests answered.

I hate concerts. I hate the idea of a band playing the same setlist night after night. I hate the lack of improvisation and freshness in these standardized performances. I hate being too short to see the stage. I hate being too tall for the person behind me to see the stage. I hate it when the person standing behind me yells at me for being too tall and standing in their line of vision. I hate getting kicked in the shin in mosh pits. I hate mosh pits. I hate crowd surfers. I hate fearing a serious neck injury just because some sweaty dude wants to feel like a rock star. I hate audiences that don’t dance. I hate getting beer spilled on me. I hate spilling other people’s beers. I hate buying them new beers because it’s the right thing to do. I hate buying overpriced drinks. I hate tipping rude bartenders. I hate holding a drink during a band’s entire set.

I hate that I am dressed exactly like everyone else at the show. I hate that this band is playing such a big venue. I hate this venue. I hate running into people I know at the concert, making small talk, telling them I have to go to the bathroom to end the conversation and then seeing them later. I hate going to the bathroom at shows. I hate losing my spot during the performance. I hate how crowded the bathrooms are. I hate that there are no walls between the urinals. I hate that I always catch a glimpse of somebody’s penis by mistake. I hate that I am pee shy because of this. I hate bathroom attendants. I hate that I can’t smoke inside.

I hate that I hate concerts.

Jeremy Haas is a UF English junior. His column appears on Wednesdays.