We all know the Florida football game this Saturday was postponed because of Hurricane Matthew.
But before the two schools and the Southeastern Conference came to that agreement, some stipulations were in place to ensure that the game would be played in the case of flooding.
We here at alligatorSports received an advance, never-before-seen copy of those rules, and because we’re so committed to our readers, we’ve decided to share it with our audience in an Alligator exclusive, in its original form:
Rule No. 1: Because of the flooding, all football players must wear floaties on each arm. Size of the floaties must be no larger than 8 inches in diameter and only two are permitted per player.
Rule No. 2: The popping of another player’s floatie is deemed a safety hazard and will lead to the automatic disqualification of the popper in question. To ensure no floaties are damaged, all tackles for Saturday’s game must be made below the waist. Except on quarterbacks, who are not allowed to be tackled at all.
Rule No. 3: Because the field goal kickers will have no solid ground to kick off of, all kicks must be placed on the chests of the respective team’s equipment managers, who must lay face up while the place kickers attempt kickoffs and field goals. Equipment managers must also wear floaties.
Rule No. 4: In addition to the point-after attempt and the 2-point conversion, there will also be a 3-point conversion option for Saturday’s game. The team that decides to attempt a 3-point conversion must pick one player from its team to challenge another player on the opposing team to a 100-yard freestyle race across the field. Both players must be hand-selected by the head coaches and must be on the active roster. If the team who originally tried the three-point conversion wins, that team earns three points. If that team loses, the other team receives the three points.
Rule No. 5: Because Jim McElwain’s spirit animal is a beaver, he inherently has an unfair advantage over LSU’s coach Ed Orgeron — whose spirit animal is silverback gorilla — in the case of a flood. Therefore, McElwain is disqualified.
Debating this week’s matchup between Old Dominion and UMass are sports editor Ian Cohen and assistant sports editor Ethan Bauer.
UMass (+7.5) will win because…
Massachusetts has lost four of its last five games, four of which have been at home, and are facing an Old Dominion team that has won two-straight games. But they don’t call Massachusetts the Minutemen for nothing!
Wait, why do they call them the Minutemen?
-Ian Cohen
Old Dominion (-7.5) will win because…
Apparently Old Dominion’s team name is the Monarchs (don’t worry Ian — not the butterfly kind), as in kings or rulers. They’ll square off with the Massachusetts Minutemen in a rematch of the original rivalry game: The American Revolution. And this time, the red coats — even though their uniforms are blue, while UMass’ are red — will come out with a victory out of vengeance alone.
-Ethan Bauer
Now onto the picks!
We have a two-way tie for first place with a 22-18 record.
First is alligatorSports editor Ian “I’m Apprehensive” Cohen, who refuses to come to terms with his massive fear of butterflies, even though he has to go to a butterfly garden for a class assignment. We get it, Ian, it’s intimidating when you can’t see all those colors, and things that make people happy just scare you. But, c’mon. They’re butterflies, not dinosaurs.
Joining Ian at the top of the leaderboard is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “The Decision” Thompson, who compared Florida’s struggle to decide on a time to announce the fate of its football game this weekend to LeBron James’ “Decision” in 2009. And like James, Hurricane Matthew also decided to take its talents to South Beach.
In third place with a 20-20 record is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “My cat loves me” Hall, who is convinced that his foster kitten adores him despite the fresh scratch marks across his neck. Trust us, Graham. After emptying the sixth box of band-aids, you’ll come to terms with the fact that the only love your cat has for you is when you clean its litter box.
Joining Graham in third place is GatorCountry’s Nick “weatherman” De La Torre, who asked Florida cornerback Quincy Wilson on Tuesday if he knew anything about the impending hurricane. Wilson replied no, to which Nick insinuated that Wilson shouldn’t take up meteorology any time soon. Wilson’s just trying to play football, Nick. Leave the kid alone. By the way, you probably should stock up on “Just For Men” before the hurricane hits, because you may not be able to make it to the store anytime soon. Don’t want that hair to turn grey before Monday’s press conference.
Sitting in fifth place with an 18-22 record is assistant sports editor Ethan “It’ll be fine, man” Bauer, who tried to convince Ian Cohen that he would pass his law exam on Thursday despite the very small amount of time Ian spent studying for it. No, Ethan. It wasn’t fine.
Joining Ethan in fifth place is 247sports.com’s Thomas “I don’t know, text me or something” Goldkamp, who gave that exact response when he was invited out for drinks the other night. I know we’re not your ideal friend group, but it’s OK to step away from your recruiting rankings for one night, Thomas. That four-star prospect’s wingspan will still be there in the morning.
In seventh place with a 17-23 record is sports writer Jordan “I got a stat wrong for the first time ever“ McPherson, who incorrectly suggested to linebacker Alex Anzalone at football media on Monday that Anzalone didn’t play against LSU as a sophomore in 2014. Anzalone was quick to correct him, and thus ended McPherson’s historic and unprecedented run of 21 years without a fact error.
And in dead-ass-last with a piss-poor record of 16-24 is Patrick “I’ll take a Bud Light” Pinak, who ordered that same beverage when he visited one of Knoxville’s best breweries the other week for Florida’s game against Tennessee. I like drinking tasteless, crappy beer as much as the next guy, but c’mon man. Get cultured.
