Ahh, bye week.
There’s nothing quite like those seven magical days a year when you, the ever-so-loyal sports fan, don’t have to sweat about the week’s upcoming matchup and wonder if all the vocal cords you burst while yelling at the TV during the last six weeks of football were in vain.
We here at alligatorSports would like to take this opportunity to follow in the Florida Gators' lead and take our own bye week from sports analysis.
So, naturally, we’ll delve deep into the topic that all die-hard sports fans want to read about: Broadway musicals.
In this edition of the picks column, we’ll examine some of the song titles from the hit Broadway show "Hamilton" and relate them in some way to Florida’s football team.
Stick with us. All of this totally makes sense.
1. My Shot
We’ll start off with an easy one. Much like Alexander Hamilton, the Florida Gators cannot afford to throw away their shot. Six games into the season, UF leads the Southeastern Conference East Division. If they win out, the Gators will earn a return trip to the SEC title game.
Don’t blow it, UF.
2. The Schuyler Sisters
Two people in the same position battling for the attention of a man in a blue coat who is fighting to defeat his opponents.
No, this isn’t the story of Angelica and Eliza Schuyler swooning over Hamilton.
This is the quarterback duel of Luke Del Rio and Austin Appleby, each trying to convince Jim McElwain that they deserve the starting job.
And like Eliza, Del Rio is the clear favorite to win over the man in the blue coat. Go back to Purdue, Angelica.
3. Wait for it
Before the season began, running back Mark Thompson set a lofty goal for himself: 1,000 yards by the bye week. Go ahead and check how many yards he currently has. We’ll wait for it.
4. Hurricane
Too obvious.
5. Satisfied
This one largely rests on how Florida finishes out the season. With UF’s current standing in the division, you’ve got to think McElwain and the rest of the Gators won’t be too satisfied if they miss out on the SEC title game.
And even if they make the SEC title game but lose, how will Florida feel? Will it have been a successful season, even with a second-straight loss in the conference championship? At what point do they stop being satisfied with championship appearances and start demanding victories?
But that’s a long way away.
A 5-1 record?
Yeah, Florida is satisfied.
Game of the week
Debating this week’s game between Rutgers and Minnesota is assistant sports editor Ethan Bauer and football writer Jordan McPherson.
Rutgers (+19) will win because…
As the saying goes, experience is king. The Scarlet Knights are one of the oldest intercollegiate athletic programs in the United States, going strong since the mid-1800s. They should have no problem against Minnesota. Also, Rutgers is in New Jersey -- and everything is legal in New Jersey.
-Jordan McPherson
Minnesota (-19) will win because…
Minnesota’s mascot is “Goldy” the Gopher. And just for exhibiting such raw creativity in mascot naming, the Golden Gophers cover the spread over the lowly Scarlett Knights.
-Ethan Bauer
Now, onto the picks!
In first place with a 31-23-1 record is sports editor Ian “Professional Couch Chef” Cohen, who’s become abnormally obsessed with the Food Network’s hit cooking show, Chopped. You may — emphasis on may — know more about cooking than the rest of us, Ian, but that's not saying much. After a week of hearing about how the banana pepper garnish changes the "dynamics" of your sandwich, it's time to come to terms with the fact that you're not actually a chef — unless this sports thing doesn't work out.
In second place with a 28-26-1 record is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “It’s On You” Hall, who left out a quote from Jim McElwain’s Monday press conference last week, thus sending the entire media contingent into a mini freak-out attack. How many middle-aged, balding sports reporters does it take to get a quote correct? Apparently four, and one unshaven ex-frat star.
In third place with a 26-28-1 record is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Ruined Day” Thompson, who, upon hearing he went 1-7 in last week’s picks, sent out an angry email to all of the picks column participants with far too many exclamation points. It’s OK Edgar. The good news is, you can’t do much worse.
Next, we have a two-way tie for fourth place with a record of 25-29-1.
First is GatorCountry.com’s Nick “Clean Shaven” De La Torre, who, according to an unnamed source, shaves his arms and chest frequently. We understand, Nick. Someone’s gotta keep that bod aerodynamic for burpees at the gym.
Next is assistant sports editor Ethan “Let’s Go Home Team!” Bauer, who, more often than not, wears colors that suspiciously resemble the Gators’ orange and blue when covering football games. We get it, Ethan. It’s a “red” tie on top of your blue button-down shirt, not a dark orange tie. But next time, take some pointers from your color-blind sports editor and throw on a gray dress shirt.
We have another two-way tie for fifth place with a record of 23-31-1.
First is 247sports.com’s Thomas “Stalking Tactics” Goldkamp, who claims he only needs a first name, one minute and internet access to find attractive women. So, Goldy, are you gonna message her and ask her out or just keep staring at her profile picture that you printed out and hung over your bed?
Next is online editor Patrick “Verified” Pinak, who probably feels all high and mighty because the alligatorSports Twitter account was verified under his watch as online editor. We’ll give it to you Patrick: the account’s emoji game has indeed been on fleek lately. But don’t go letting your head swell. There’s nothing worse than an online editor with an ego.
And in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 21-33-1 is football writer Jordan “But My Stats!” McPherson, who, although he won’t admit it, has undoubtedly spent countless hours calculating college football statistics to put him in first place and win the picks column. That’s working out really well for ya, huh Jordan?
