Site: EverBank Field (Cap. 82,871)
Kickoff: 3:30 p.m.
TV/Radio: CBS/Gators IMG Sports Network
Ahh, rivalries.
They make life interesting. More importantly, they make sports interesting.
Think about it: What would Saturdays be like without Florida-Georgia? Michigan-Ohio State? UCF-Connecticut?
Unthinkable.
This week, we’ll take some time to analyze some of the most heated and hate-filled rivalries of our millennium and issue the clear winner of the two.
1. Peanut Butter vs. Jelly
Peanut Butter and Jelly go great together, so you may not think this is a rivalry.
But don’t get it twisted. These two hate each other.
Haven’t you ever heard the phrase “opposites attract”?
Yeah. Case closed.
Peanut Butter takes this in a landslide, purely for the fact that its’ multifaceted nature allows it to act independently as a delicious snack at 3 a.m.
Plus, no one opens their fridge and digs into a jar of jelly.
2. Moe’s vs. Chipotle
Chipotle, and only because its employees don’t scream “Welcome to (insert name of restaurant here)!” when you walk in the door. Just take my money and give me food.
3. Alligator vs. Crocodile
In deciding the winner between these two reptiles, the Independent Florida Alligator would like to recognize that it may have a bias and therefore cannot render an impartial decision. Therefore, no winner will be announced.
(Alligator.)
4. Milk Chocolate vs. Dark Chocolate
Chocolate isn’t supposed to be bitter, you weirdos. Milk chocolate wins.
5. Hard Shell vs. Soft Shell Tacos
Soft shell, always and forever. If you disagree, you’re not alone. Please send all hate emails to our online editor and lifetime hard-shell-taco supporter Patrick Pinak (ppinak@alligator.org), who welcomes any and all discussion on the topic. If he doesn’t respond the first time, he probably just didn’t see it. Keep spamming him with emails and you’ll have made a new hard-shell-taco friend in no time.
Debating the rivalry game of the week between science and religion are sports editor Ian Cohen and assistant sports editor Ethan Bauer.
Science will win because…
Science is fact. Science is impartial. Science is logic.
Also, have you ever built a mini-volcano for science class? That s--- is the bomb.
Case closed.
-Ian Cohen
Religion will win because…
Science may be fact, but with God on your side, fact means nothing. And for only four easy payments of $19.95 deposited directly to my Venmo account, I will personally contact God and tell him to defy fact, bias and law on your behalf.
Praise be.
-Ethan Bauer
Now, onto the picks!
Starting things off, we have a tie for first place with records of 33-28-1.
First is the Gainesville Sun’s Graham “Bandwagon” Hall, who suddenly became a Cleveland Cavalier fan when they got LeBron James back and will undoubtedly announce his lifelong allegiance to the Cleveland Indians if they win the World Series. I like rooting for cities with a history of losing and hardly any championships as much as the next guy, but bless you, sir. No one voluntarily chooses to be a Cleveland sports fan.
Next is sports writer Ian “sniffles” Cohen, who, when asked to describe himself in as few words as possible, said, “Some people are born pretty. Some are born smart. I sneeze a lot.” Yes, Ian. You really, really do. We’ll give you points for your creative self portrait of sorts, though.
We also have a tie for third place with a record of 30-32-1.
First is GatorCountry.com’s Nick “My Milkshakes Bring All The Boys To The Yard” de la Torre, who once consumed seven milkshakes over the course of three days while covering college baseball games at the University of Miami baseball stadium, famous for their “Mark Light MilkShakes.” Bet it was a long night in the gym burning off those unneeded calories, muscle guy.
Next is sports writer Ethan “Orange and Blue” Bauer, who didn’t agree with the fact that wearing a orange shirt with a “semi” blue tie to Florida’s football game against Georgia on Saturday is considered biased. A quick Google search reveals that there are 10 million visible colors that the human eye can see. Do us all a favor, Ethan, and pick one of the other 9.998 million ones.
We have another tie for fifth place with a record of 28-34-1.
First is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar “Technology Guru” Thompson, who is light years ahead of the journalism game with the monopod he brings to football media. All he has to do is figure out how to use it.
Next is sports writer Patrick “You Like My Tank, Bro?” Pinak, who has taken a liking to wearing tank-tops instead of normal T-shirts lately. Looks like someone wants to show off that physique from playing club baseball during the week. Oh please, Patrick, tell us again about the time you hit a home run in high school!
You guessed it. Another tie, this time in dead-ass last with a piss-poor record of 36-36-1.
First is sports writer Jordan “generic” McPherson, who wears exclusively solid-colored, unmarked clothing or his trademarked short-sleeved flannel shirts. We know you don’t want to be biased, Jordan, but we promise no one will be offended by the Miami Marlins t-shirt you probably have stowed away under your bed to wear around your room when no one’s looking. Then again, who could blame you? That sounds like a pretty fun Friday night to us, too.
Second is 247Sports.com’s Thomas “impatient” Goldkamp, who stormed away from a media scrum around a football player earlier this week after he couldn’t get a question in. Go on Thomas, use that loud voice of yours to get your question in next time.
