What outfit do you want to be buried in when you die? Go on; really think about it. You’ll probably want something nice and flattering. Above all, though, you’ll want something representative of the person you were when you were alive. This might seem easy for some of you. But for someone whose gender identity is nonconforming, this is a heavy question.
Far too often, LGBTQ+ bodies are put in the ground projecting an image they never felt was their own. Maybe they were not out to their family at the time of their death. Maybe their family ignores their wishes because of their beliefs or norms — religious or cultural. Whatever the reason, the result is the same: You die a person whom you never really were.
Imagine if your name really wasn’t your own because people refused to call you by it. To them, your name is unimportant, and they use an absurd lack of effort getting to know it or you. This is what someone is telling you when they misgender you. Some might dismiss this as an exaggeration or overreaction. But it is serious, and it is not OK. Now, it can stem from misunderstanding, but this is easily fixed by using more gender-neutral speech.
If you successfully learned to stop picking your nose in public, you can easily adjust to saying “they” instead of “he” or “her.” Trust me. It is worth the effort to show people the respect of acknowledging them by their name. Not everyone has gone into a new space where they have been asked to introduce themselves with their pronouns, but it is a quick way to make everyone comfortable. It really should be a common courtesy.
If you’re cisgender, or someone who identifies with the gender you were assigned at birth, you really shouldn’t answer, “Anything is fine,” when asked what your pronouns are. You know it’s not true. If the world misgendered you constantly, which is exactly what transgender people are forced to deal with day in and day out, it would sting. It would hurt you. It would strip you of your own identity. So just state your pronouns. If you are questioning, it is okay for your answer to really be anything, but just make that clear. Tell them you are unsure what your pronouns are, and you’re trying them out. That’s what names are for, to represent who you are as an individual.
Hearing “I don’t care” or “It doesn’t matter” from a cisgender person is really disheartening. They have the ability to not care because no one would even question their gender anyway. But it does matter to a lot of people. They go through each day dreading the moment when they have to decide whether to correct a person for using the wrong pronouns or stay painfully silent to avoid the judgement.
Yes, most people are cisgender. But that doesn’t diminish the value of those who aren’t. Your identity isn’t worth more than anyone else’s. When you misgender someone, you are really telling them that you don’t care about what they say, that they spent however many years forming into a person you aren’t willing to acknowledge. You are saying that you think their identities are yours to label, that you don’t care enough to see them for who they are. It doesn’t matter how much they “pass” or how much they fall into the conventional appearance of their true gender: Their bodies and lives are not yours to define.
“When girls go out with their boyfriends. Or girlfriends. Whatever you are into.” My professor said this as a joke, and the class laughed the way she expected. But for those of us who don’t have the luxury of identifying with traditional gender roles, it was cringe worthy.
Brooke Henderson is a UF journalism and international studies sophomore. Her column appears on Mondays.
