Summer ’16: Here we are, dear readers — the end of an era. It’s been long, hot, sweaty, rainy, long, hot — did we mention hot? It’s crazy how time flies. Five weeks ago, so many of us returned to classes, while many others stepped on campus for the very first time: so young, fresh, innocent. Now, we’re all stuck between the misery of finals and the perilous hopes of a longer summer, watching what feels like a reprisal of “The Twilight Zone” on the news.
Darts & Laurels
Hey, speaking of Twilight, Kristen Stewart loves her girlfriend, everybody. Stewart, known best for her role as Bella Swan in the “Twilight” saga, opened up in an interview with Elle magazine about her relationship with film producer Alicia Cargile. “Right now I’m just really in love with my girlfriend,” Stewart said. “We’ve broken up a couple of times and gotten back together, and this time I was like, ‘Finally, I can feel again.’”
This makes complete sense. Think about it: If you were caught between Team Edward and Team Jacob for way too long, emotionally compressed by a slew of drama, teen angst and almost-but-not-really-sex, to only then need a self-absorbed Edward Cullen (#TeamPotter) to save your life by turning you into a vampire because you’re dying from giving birth to a half-vampire half-human baby, do you think you’d be able to feel anything? Most people would still be shitting their pants.
So we give a laurel to Stewart, for going through vampire hell and back and still finding happiness and love in the real world. That’s more than a lot of us could say.
Stepping out of “Twilight” and into the Twilight Zone, we arrive at the Democratic National Convention. Obviously, it doesn’t compare to the acid trip that was the Republicans’ convention, but it’s still a little bit of a trip.
There’s a lot of potential for darts & laurel-ing with this convention: between the protests, the yuge 3-minute standing ovation for Bernie (Can Hillary beat that? Find out on the next episode of Democrats Ball Z.) and, of course, Bill Clinton miraculously stretching time to a still with a speech that revolutionized the meaning of boredom. But you’ll hear enough about it all over the place. We’ll touch on a slightly smaller issue regarding the convention: Bill O’Reilly.
O’Reilly decided he was going to be tough on Michelle Obama for saying, “I wake up every morning in a house that was built by slaves,” during her epic Monday night speech at the convention. First off: a laurel to Michelle for keeping it real on America’s dark history. But secondly, what problem could O’Reilly possibly have with that comment?
Well, O’Reilly explained Tuesday on his show, “Slaves that worked there were well-fed and had decent lodgings provided by the government, which stopped hiring slave labor in 1802. However, the feds did not stop subcontractors from using slave labor.”
Sure they were slaves, but they were well-fed and lived well and even had help building it! What’s there to complain about? Maybe the fact they were slaves in a country that said, “All men were created equal,” while enslaving its black citizens to build the monuments that many now look and say, “We need to make this place great again.”
C’mon Bill, we give you all the darts we have. You’re a smart dude; you have a master’s degree from Harvard. Stop pandering to a base you keep ignorant to please your bosses and keep the cash flowing.
You’re sucking the intelligence and empathy out of this country’s poor neck — almost like a “Twilight” vampire. Wait… Is Bill O’Reilly a vampire?
