“Most people think/Great God will come from the skies/Take away everything/And make everybody feel high. But if you know what life is worth/You will look for yours on earth: And now you see the light/You stand up for your rights. Jah!” — To quote the late great former singer of the Wailers and beloved symbol of weed and reggae himself. There’s a lot of wrong in these times we live in. Our country needs healing — and not the kind where we stop at hoping and praying for the best. Far too long we’ve been complacent in the red. Now, in the spirit of completely abrupt and random transitions…
Darts & Laurels
Evan Scribner claimed in his interview with The New York Post that his love life was ruined by “Pokemon Go.” Thanks to the geolocation feature of “Pokemon Go,” which records the real-life locations where players capture their Pokemon, Scribner’s partner discovered that Scribner spent time playing the game while at an ex’s house. Now, Scribner claims he’s single because of the game.
Let’s keep it real; if you spend your time hiding from your current partner at your ex’s house while reliving your video game nerdgasm fantasies from the ’90s, it’s not really the video game that ruined your life, Evan. In fact, it’s up for debate whether you had a life to begin with.
We give a dart to this kid for being indisputably basic by blaming his problems on everything but himself. He should try auditioning for Fox News. “Pokemon Go: Entertainment? Or the Japanese’s secret ploy to brainwash millennials and kill U.S. job growth? Up next on the ‘We’re-Going-to-Spin-Everything Zone.’”
Now, for some major non-Pokemon news from this week: Bernie Sanders’ endorsement of Hillary Clinton. Is he a sellout? Did he take this long to endorse her because he was more concerned with his ego than unifying the party? Many such questions are flying wildly about the interwebs. Many of these conclusions are wild overgeneralizations or misinterpretations of reality — a dart to the haters for all the hating before debating and instigating what’s propagating. Anyway…
Many of you already have your own opinions developed about our country’s bird-herding, hand-waving, clean-shaven Gandalf, and it’s not like anything in this editorial would really change your mind at this point. All we can discuss is what’s true. This is not Bernie’s capitulation, nor is it his end. Since day one, he’s argued that his campaign was not about an election, but a revolution. And, now, regardless of who wins — Hillary Clinton, Donald Trump, Gary Johnson, Jill Stein… a giant meteor (polling at 13 percent compared to the major nominees) — Bernie’s revolution is coming.
We’re going to see it across congressional, state and local ballots, we’ll see it in the 2020 election, we’ll see it in the revitalization of grassroots organizing and we’ll see it in the empowered voices of the people who are tired of partisan politics and feel enough is enough. Buckle your seatbelts.
However, even the most ardent Bernie supporters can’t deny the comedic gold here. Sanders endorsing Clinton? Next, we’re going to see Coke endorsing Pepsi; Yoda endorsing Darth Vader; Ron Swanson endorsing Franklin Delano Roosevelt; Florida Gov. Rick Scott endorsing Lord Voldemort: Actually, they’re the same person, so that last example doesn’t really apply.
Anyway, aside from sticking to the political fight against all odds, we also want to give a laurel to Bernie for the roasting opportunity he just provided — as well as the genuine laughs and political hope he’s given so many and will continue to give. The American people will never be able to hear the word “huge” in the same way.
