Guest Column: The realest interview, A millennial's guide

Seeking:

Top talent in X field. Are you a motivated individual with the ability to work independently in a growing company with a fast-paced environment? We’re seeking an extraordinary new graduate to join our dynamic team of innovative leaders in X.

Qualifications:

Master’s degrees in computer engineering, finance, hospitality and neuroscience; minimum of five years industry experience with at least three in project management and be CCNA/80085-certified; ambidexterity and native fluency in Spanish and Urdu strongly preferred; salary commensurate with experience; starting wages: $11.50 an hour.

Why are you interested in this position?

Since I was a child, I have always held a fascination for business analytics and data mining.

I searched “entry level” on Google, and your particular job posting popped up and caught my dwindling willpower and attention just long enough for me to submit my lies.

Do you believe that stealing is wrong?

What is the point of this question? To see if I’m actually reading these hopelessly long occupational questionnaires? No, by Jove, I am a kleptomaniac, and I will steal your grandmother’s heart monitor in addition to your corporate secrets. Yes, stealing is wrong, except in those morally obscure situations we’ve all discussed in our freshman ethics class, but that’s not the answer you want. I’m here to give you whatever you want because I’ll sell my soul and spit on the corpses of my dreams for the chance that you won’t crush my last hope at eking out a meager existence.

Why do you want to work for X?

Dynamic, stimulating, ethical, opportunity for growth, 401(k), innovative, Fortune 500…

I’m facing impending homelessness. I’ve raised, killed and resurrected enough dreams to build a new nation of fool’s gold for the poor. I’m down to my last disillusion. I don’t give a f--- about the bigger picture anymore, and I’m not even sure why I’m bothering to cling to survival in this cold flicker of an existence in a meaningless and chaotic world.

Why should we hire you?

I want to showcase my skills and prove to us both that 19 years of school, stress and student debt were not in vain. I will use my natural leadership abilities, and considerable experience with software development and social networking to establish myself in the company and contribute to overall profitability.

Please, for the love of God in a godless girl, please don’t shoot at my feet and make me dance and lick your boots at the same time. I just want a job to satisfy my sanity and self-worth because that’s the vicious, ironic cycle we must all perpetuate. If I were strong, I could wave two choice fingers at society and not give a damn about its whimsical standards, but as it stands, I’m just another sheep made more tame by hunger and frigid immigrant parents.

I just want a job to realize my selfish dreams of living debt-free in daytime sobriety. I’m already jaded of my paltry existence to which only a mediocre future can follow. So hire me, and I’ll work my a-- off so you can take your mistress to Miami Beach for the weekend while your wife spills Franzia inside your Mercedes-Benz E-Class, and I can pretend I didn’t waste my parents’ money and keep living a lie. Anything is better than being a disappointment.

Maybe you can come to my wedding when I mutually settle with someone equally lonely, and we’ll all pretend life has meaning so we have something to tell our children when they hurl those timeless words back in our faces, that they never asked to be born, and so we’ll propagate and procreate and proliferate because we’re all the f------ same.

There is no stellar candidate. You will reject thousands of faceless resumes and splinter the hearts of many who are better than you. We are all slaves and stardust. Every man dies alone.

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L.L. is a recent UF graduate.