This is it, readers. Spring 2016: We did it — we did the thing. Many of you may still feel weary of the flurry of finals and papers ahead.
Don’t worry: We at the Alligator believe in you. And besides, this time two weeks from now, the stress of this semester will be the last thing on your mind as you’re getting your Jackie tan on at the beach. But before you ghost out of Gainesville for good, enjoy our grand finale, our Woodstock ’69, our latest edition of…
Darts & Laurels
Fans of Marvel’s god of thunder should be happy with actor and international heartthrob Chris Hemsworth’s appearance on “The Ellen DeGeneres Show” on Monday. During the interview, Hemsworth disclosed a cute story of how his 4-year-old daughter recently told him, “I want a penis!” Hemsworth beautifully responded she could be whatever she wants to be, so we extend a laurel to Chris Hemsworth for his spot-on parenting.
Though, for those deeply invested in the Marvel universe, this story has far deeper implications. Thor already wields a dangerous weapon, but now his daughter wants one of her own? We at the Alligator encourage you to watch your back. Sure, it’s our movies and entertainment now, but who knows when these Asgardians will start coming for our jobs and freedom?
Speaking of unfounded xenophobia: Donald Trump. Normally we’d refrain from entertaining him in our esteemed “Darts & Laurels” editions, but he had a gaffe like no other at his Buffalo, New York, rally Monday. In discussing the World Trade Center with his audience, he said “I watched our police and our firemen down on 7/11.” Yes, you read that right: 7-Eleven. Now, was this likely an innocent mix-up? Maybe… but maybe not.
How do we know? So much of what this man says is complete nonsense; we need to consider all possibilities. Was this corporate sponsorship? Subliminal messaging? Or maybe Trump’s been a machine this entire time, and he was secretly calling out for fuel because his bulls--- tank was running low. No matter; we give a dart to Trump’s mouth for all the hazardous waste it spews.
In Alligator news, we want to indulge the opinions section a little bit, one writer in particular, who’s been writing for us ever since Fall 2013 and is now graduating: Michael Beato. While we obviously cannot approve or disapprove of his work professionally, we would like to extend him a laurel for the years of dedication to the paper and for providing an example of what “sticking to your guns” really means. Thanks, man.
Lastly, we saved a laurel for a special group: you, the readers. When news broke that we were moving away from our 1105 W. University Ave. location, many of you showed concern for the paper’s well-being and continued to express support for the work we do and what we represent.
So, for real, thank you all so much. Come by and see us at our new location, 2700 SW 13th St., starting this Summer.
For those of you traveling, interning or doing whatever out of town, come back in the Fall all the more experienced and cultured.
And for the Summer A and C squad, we’ll see you on May 9! Stay classy, San Diego.
