It’s been a wild ride this week, dear readers. Between the Florida primary and mayoral elections, there has been plenty to keep the Alligator newsroom busy and bustling. But now, it’s time for everyone’s favorite part of the week: a time to reflect on the good and the bad, the pretty and the ugly. Thanks for tuning in, readers, to this week’s edition of…
Darts & Laurels
For those of you baffled by Trump’s continued rise in the polls, perhaps you’ll take solace in the fact that, Tuesday night, lightning struck the Trump International Hotel and Tower in Chicago as Illinois finished counting its votes. You read that right: As Trump took yet another victory, the heavens sent down a burst of lightning, almost as if to say, “What the hell are you doing, America?”
Who would’ve thought one day we’d all be jealous of a bolt of lightning?
Or perhaps that’s why Thor won’t be cast alongside the other Avengers in the upcoming “Captain America: Civil War”: He’s too busy trying to save the world from a Trump presidency by casting down lightning from above. You think Trump’s bad with immigrants? Just wait until the Asgardians follow Thor to earth and demand U.S. citizenship. Maybe then we’ll have an actual illegal-alien issue worth talking about. So we give a huge shout-out and Laurel to that bolt of lightning. You’re doing the Lord’s work.
In other Trump news (unfortunately), everyone’s favorite Florida politician and convincing Voldemort cosplayer Gov. Rick Scott officially endorsed The Donald on Wednesday. As if Scott couldn’t give Floridians another reason to dislike him. Now some might argue we’re not being completely fair and say, “It’s not that he likes Trump. He’s doing it to unify the Republican Party.”
And you’re right, that is why he endorsed Trump. But this is Rick Scott we’re talking about. The day our governor ends his ban on the words “climate change” in state agencies or gives a straight answer to a question on a television appearance, then we’ll take about applying fairness to Scott. Here’s a Dart to Gov. Scott for being, well, disappointing and predictable.
Now that we’ve thankfully exhausted our emotions on Donald Trump for this week, let’s all talk about something more pleasant and aesthetically pleasing: orcas, also known as killer whales. SeaWorld announced Thursday that the 24 orcas currently housed across three parks would be the final generation of killer whales they breed. SeaWorld has been under some pretty major scrutiny in recent years, predominantly after the release of the controversial documentary “Blackfish.”
Regardless of the entertainment value many of us enjoyed as children watching Shamu in Orlando, we at the Alligator are thrilled SeaWorld has decided to head in this “new direction.” We’re giving a Laurel to SeaWorld for getting with the program and allowing the future of the orca species to be in nothing but wide, blue, open ocean.
And, finally, let’s talk about the weather. Us Floridians are used to a few showers, but seriously, there’s nothing like constant rainstorms and overall mucky weather to welcome us into the spring season. Between the humidity, rain and 30-degree daily temperature ranges, we’re all feeling a little more dreary and prone to naps than usual. So we’re giving a Dart to the crappy weather we’ve been experiencing this week. Stay dry the best you can, readers.
