We’re all guilty of it. Even a diehard feminist like myself has the occasional “ugh, get a load of her” moment when confronted with a scantily clad girl at a party. Internalized misogyny is the act of women elevating the status of men through demeaning the value of other women. At its most overt, internalized misogyny manifests as women openly tearing down other women. However, a far more subtle manifestation exists in the remarks women make day to day. It’s so subtle we may not even realize what we’re doing. In this column, I’m going to identify three very common internally misogynistic remarks I’ve heard — and made! — and explain the damage they do to feminism.
“You can’t put out on the first date”: This internally misogynistic comment is slut-shaming dressed as gentle “I’m-just-looking-out-for-you” advice. I’ve heard it from some of the most caring, nonjudgmental friends I have, and I knew their intentions were good. But the subtext was still the same: Sex is a bargaining chip women need in order to reel in men; women’s many merits aren’t enough; the end goal for men is purely sexual; lose that, and we women have nothing. While this logic may come from a place of genuine concern, it promotes an idea that severely denigrates the role of women in relationships.
“She’s just going to be a housewife”: This comment used to pose a gray area for me, as I’m inclined to reject the “traditional” role of women as caretakers and homemakers.
However, I’ve realized not wanting to fill this role is a personal preference for each woman to make independently. In fact, I admire women who choose this path. Keeping a household running nowadays takes a level of organization, domestic skill and financial management that’s truly impressive. My point is, undervaluing one woman’s choice to remain at home is equally as damaging as putting another woman down for entering the workforce. Both roles are equally important, and denying that only stalls feminism’s progress.
“I’m not friends with other girls. It’s too much drama”: This remark is one I unfortunately have plenty of experience with. As an insecure 18-year-old, I thought it would make me seem cool, like “one of the guys.” It didn’t. I would scoff at other girls for their makeup and heels — after all, I was just too chill for that! I even started emulating hobbies and habits I thought were “guy things” in the hopes my charade would play out. This led to two years of faking an interest in adrenaline sports and India pale ale until I finally gave up. I was sick of being terrified while strapped to a zip line, bungee cord or wakeboard, and I wanted a drink that wasn’t just hops. At the time, I thought asserting an identity as “not one of the other girls” somehow made me special. I didn’t realize, though, how I wasn’t actually differentiating myself so much as generalizing other women. I was grouping them all into the category of “other girls,” implying they were all equally forgettable and not worth knowing.
These are just three of the most common internally misogynistic remarks I’ve heard. Sadly, there are many more I could address, but that would take weeks and more ink than any newspaper could afford.
Ultimately, though, the root of these remarks is the same: It’s the fact that, even in the 21st century, women are constantly bombarded with lessons about their relative worth. We’re told how we should look by the media, what we should do by society and how we should act by mothers of a different decade. It’s exceptionally difficult to not internalize these lessons and espouse them; it’s what we’ve been taught.
Although there is exceptional progress being made, the only way feminism can truly thrive is if we, together, consciously fight our own internal misogyny.
Namwan Leavell is a UF economics senior. Her column appears on Fridays.
