Dear Mediocre,
I don’t like my boyfriend’s best friend. How do I get him to spend more time with me?
- Desperate Girlfriend
Dear Desperate Girlfriend,
The bro code is a long-lived tradition among men. Just like girls compliment each other’s nail beds, men like to spend ridiculous amounts of time together playing video games, talking about half-baked schemes to get rich and making fart noises with their armpits. It’s just their thing.
It sounds like you’re having a jealousy issue. If you can’t take a bro away from his bro, you have to get creative. Trick your mind into thinking that his best friend is your second boyfriend. I mean, what could be better than two boyfriends?
The first thing I suggest is inserting yourself into their bro time. If they’re sitting on the couch together with less than an inch between them, you make that your spot. This will make both men feel special. If your main boyfriend, let’s call him your OG boyfriend, raises a brow, just give him a little squeeze on the knee to let him know that he is still your number one.
The next thing I recommend is going out to the club with both men but never at the same time. That would be sketchy. Find out what boyfriend-number-two finds attractive in a woman. Become her. If he likes curly hair, spend two hours in front of the mirror, and you get that curly hair. If he likes crop tops and cutoff shorts, you say a prayer and squeeze your butt into the shorts. Remember, this is about impressing! Make the sacrifice!
Send little love notes to both boyfriends. Make sure to alternate fake devotion toward both of their favorite sports teams, unless either is a ‘Nole. If that is the case, abort the mission and find something else with your time — except studying. Studying never got anyone anywhere. At the end of the day, it should feel like and seem like you are dating both men.
With all of the effort you put into this, you should forget about all of that animosity you have for your boyfriend’s best friend, aka boyfriend-number-two. Now you’ve got the best of both worlds: OG bae and your sidepiece. It’s more than likely you will no longer have to compete for OG boyfriend’s time. If anything, he’ll be fighting for yours.
Congratulations, you broke the bro code.
Au revoir,
Mediocre
Send your questions to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
