I’m pretty sure I have the herps, but is it true if I never get tested I’ll never really have it?
- Herb Peas
Just rub some dirt in it. It should clear up in a few days. Why even find out?
Sometimes it’s better to just never find out the truth about things, and this is one of those times.
How do I get with a MILF?
- Anonymous
Do you work as a pool boy, milkman or waiter at a high-end restaurant? If yes, odds are you’ve already gotten with a MILF.
If not, there’s still hope. My advice: Join a gym in a retirement community.
Start pumping iron left and right, up and down, up and down.
I know a retirement community may seem old, but as the old phrase goes, if you shoot for the stars, the worst case is you’ll end up on the moon.
And that, my friend, is why if you go for the greatest prize of all — the GILF (grandma I’d like to…) — then you may find yourself a mom.
Dear Sage Simon,
I have been hooking up with this girl for almost five months now. I asked her to be my girlfriend but she said she did not want to put a label on it. I feel a tiny bit disrespected, how should I proceed?
- Mike Hunt
Doesn’t want to put a label on it?! Honestly, she’s just scared to get hurt. But can you really blame her? Falling in love is scary and sad.
At such a young age, and for anybody who has already been hurt, they can attest you can be the happiest person in the world with your partner, but in the back of your mind, the happiness they bring you also brings sudden waves of sadness and melancholy.
Because like everything in life, and as illustrated by the Buddhist concept of samsara, nothing in life is sustainable.
Deep down you know what you have is going to come to an end. And when it does it’s going to suck, and I swear that was the softest s--- I’ve ever written.
Some of my boys are going to vegas on Spring break, but I’m trying to convince them that going to Colorado is the move instead.
Why do my friends have such myopic viewpoints on the definition of having fun in college?
- Ski MASTER
OK, first of all, Las Vegas is one of the greatest places in the world.
However, what Las Vegas has in rowdiness, it severely lacks in majesty.
And majesty is precisely what the mountains hold.
Why do you think Thoreau went to the woods?
Why Sir Edmund Hillary climbed Everest? Why the chicken crossed the road?
It’s the adventure and luster of the outdoors that completes the soul. Also, spring skiing is the GOAT (greatest of all time).
Think: 50 degree weather, skiing in hoodies, sparkling snow, looming mountains, and bros.
Sure, you may not find any strippers in Colorado, but hey, you can get those the rest of the year anyway.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
