I lived primarily off two things when I had a meal plan: Gator Dining chocolate chip cookies and unlimited pineapple.
I’m a big fan of fruit — so much so that I would pile a plate with it to the delight of one of my friends. He would always wink and make some joke insinuating I was getting lucky that night.
It only happened with pineapple, though. I guess chocolate chip cookies aren’t hailed as a miracle cure for oral sex.
It’s hard to enjoy something when people assume the only reason you’re eating it is to taste better for oral sex — I mean, that’s not the only reason.
But does this claim actually have any merit? If you fill your diet with pineapple, will it actually make your ejaculate taste like the nectar of the gods?
Short of doing my own experiment, I did a lot of reading about cum — pretty much your average Tuesday night.
It turns out many folks have done their own taste tests and/or shared their own anecdotes about what affects the taste.
I like to imagine any experiment on the matter is a lot like wine tasting — can you smell the bouquet or taste the tannins in ejaculate? Do you have to let it breathe and then swish it around in your mouth for the full effect? You’re not quite a sommelier in this case — maybe a cummelier?
While many people do report things like pineapple, celery or a no-meat diet make their partners taste better, there have been no official studies done on the matter. All the accounts are personal opinions, so you’d probably get the same result asking your friends over brunch.
Doctors suggest that, to change the taste of ejaculate, the person would need to change their entire diet. It makes sense, too. Someone who eats a healthy diet is going to taste better than someone who eats Cheetos all day, every day.
So sure, eating a healthy diet of fruits, vegetables and lots of water may definitely make you taste better.
As for things to avoid, there’s a large consensus to leave out cigarettes, alcohol, red meat, fried food, dairy and everything else that is delicious and makes life worth living.
Because really, is having better-tasting ejaculate really worth cutting out all your vices and changing your diet? No matter what you do, it’s still going to be cum.
A vagina is still going to smell like a vagina and semen is still going to taste like semen. They’ll just maybe be healthier versions of themselves.
I hate to break it to you, but we don’t live in Candy Land. Vaginas aren’t supposed to smell like delicate blossoms — sorry, Summer’s Eve — or taste like Pepsi-Cola — sorry to you, too, Lana Del Rey.
It’s unrealistic to expect that something, whether it be pineapple or a miracle pill, will turn your genitalia into something that tastes different than, well, genitalia. It’s like cough syrup — no matter how good it tastes or how berry-flavored it is, it’s still cough syrup.
And, like cough syrup, ejaculate tastes best if you try not to taste it and just throw it down the hatch. Everyone is entitled to their own opinions in the spit-or-swallow debate, but I like to imagine ejaculate as the opposite of mouthwash: I’d like to have it in my mouth for as small an amount of time as possible, and I don’t want to wait until I get to a sink to spit it out.
If it helps, semen is 96 percent water, so you’ll get a hydration kick out of it. And since proper hydration makes you taste better, it’s a win-win.
What you don’t want to do is make your partner do something they’re uncomfortable with, whether it be spitting, swallowing, wearing a pearl necklace or even performing the act of oral sex in general — that’s just tasteless, even if it may taste like a whole lot.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism senior. Her column appears on Fridays.
