Me and my slam piece have been in a relationship for three months, and she’s been nagging me to go Facebook official. What do I do?
Well, if she’s your "slam piece," then there is no CHANCE THE RAPPER that you go Facebook official (FBO). But if you are actually dating her, then there’s still no reason to do it. I’m assuming this was her idea, by the way. It’s unnecessary to go FBO because everybody who knows you’re dating is already aware. If accruing likes is going to somehow reaffirm your relationship, then she’s no good regardless. And, most importantly, you have to make sure your other side-slams don’t see.
Soooo… I’ve developed an unexpected crush on someone who works under me. Question is, how do I get under him?
I love to hear it! Contrary to what many think, most men possess a subconscious desire to be dominated, and they yearn for women in positions of power to assert their authority over them. I would recommend maintaining whatever channels of contact you have, such as email and text messaging, but then open up others, such as, say, Snapchat. Maybe send a Snapchat or two his way to test out the waters. Who knows how long it will be until things start boiling over? Or, you could start forwarding him some articles explaining why the Republican Party is God’s gift to this Earth. I know that would really get me going, at least.
What’s the proper spooning technique? What do I do with my other arm?
Where’s Waldo? Does God exist? What is the meaning of life? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop? Is Daniel Tosh gay? There are some questions we may never answer…
Is it OK to poop at a girl’s place?
This depends on two things: how quickly you can get the act off and whether she has a dog.
Odds are once you sit down to do your business, you’ll have to check at least 10 stories on Snapchat and go through the Facebook/Instagram/Snapchat cycle at least three times, so time is not in your favor. I’m sorry, but you’re screwed.
I think M. Night Shyamalan’s movies and TV work honestly became shit after "The Sixth Sense." Why won’t my girlfriend listen to my sensible argument about it while we’re having sex?
That is a perfectly justifiable argument and the fact that she is unwilling to listen to it, regardless of whether you two are having sex, shows she is a shallow young lady who does not bother with thought-provoking questions. Clearly this is not somebody you want to be with. You should leave her with a little "twist" at the end, if you know what I’m saying. My advice: Right before you are about to climax, yell her roommate’s name. Once she starts having a fit, tell her you are actually a ghost that kills people trying to leave a wildlife preserve. Assuredly, she’ll say that excuse is utter bullshit, to which she’ll have proved your point: M. Night Shyamalan’s movies don’t make sense.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays.
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