A long, long time ago, someone realized people were wasting time performing oral sex individually and it might be a good idea to combine these acts into one time-saving sex position.
It makes sense — life expectancy was short, and time was a commodity. Thus, the most giggle-inducing number was created: 69.
That’s probably not how it went down — pun very much intended — but the "long, long time ago" part is definitely true. The first written reference to 69’ing was in France in the 1790s and referred to as "soixante-neuf." Even before then, visual representations have been found on Hindu sculptures and Roman lamps.
Sixty-nining may have originated hundreds of years ago, but, aside from probably anal sex — #ButtStuff2k15, am I right? — it’s certainly the sex position of the instant-gratification-filled modern age.
Everyone is free to have his or her own sexual desires and preferences so long as everything is consensual and doesn’t hurt another individual. That being said, 69 is high up on the list of sexual things that should be fun — like shower sex and sex outdoors — but are entirely not.
Listen, people, we’re all adults here. We’re not in high school anymore. We don’t have to double up on oral sex to finish by the time our parents come home, or the cops discover us in the backseat of a parked car. Can’t we all be civilized adults and wait our turn?
I’d venture as far as saying that 69’ing represents everything wrong with our society. Just like how we rushed through childhood because we were so eager to be teenagers, we’re rushing through oral sex to reach penetrative sex. This results in a lack of appreciation for oral sex. Looking back on it, though, don’t you miss naptime? And won’t you miss having all attention focused on you during oral sex?
I must admit 69’ing is polite in its effort of equal giving and receiving. I firmly support this. Both partners should give and receive equally in a turn-taking process. Being on the receiving end of oral sex when all you have to do is lie there and relax — not focus on genitals that are in your mouth and slowly suffocating you by blocking all of your airways — is close to nirvana.
There’s no way I can fully relax and appreciate receiving oral sex as much if I also have to focus on giving it, just like there’s no way I can give oral sex my best effort while I’m distracted by the sensations down below. Maybe this means I’m bad at multitasking — I’ll promptly remove that from the "skills" section of my resume — but maybe it means there’s a bigger issue at hand. Or at mouth.
Not to turn 69’ing into a deep, philosophical debate, but it represents what’s wrong with our society. We’re always rushing through things: rushing through childhood to be an adult, rushing through the week to get to the weekend, rushing through our walks to class so we can reach the destination, rushing through oral sex to get to the next act.
We don’t take as much time to stop and appreciate things as they’re happening. We didn’t appreciate childhood innocence, we don’t stop to appreciate the blue skies and the nice weather on our walks to class, and we don’t appreciate the feeling of just receiving oral sex and doing nothing else.
Not everything needs to be combined, hurried or done quickly. Sometimes it’s nice to just relax, breathe and appreciate the present. Especially when the present involves sex.
Foreplay is arguably the best part of it because you can take a few extra minutes to focus on your partner individually. Is it really that appealing to stare into someone’s asshole the whole time you’re going down on them, anyway?
Not so much. You could even say 69’ing leaves, well, a bad taste in your mouth.
Robyn Smith is a journalism senior. Her column appears on Fridays.
