Hey Mediocre Advice,
Why is sober sex increasingly stigmatized?
- Anonymous
The less common something becomes in society, the more it is perceived as taboo. Let’s be real: Sober sex doesn’t occur too often for a lot of people. People don’t understand what it is; if there is anything history has taught us, it’s that humans are afraid of what they don’t know.
Also, it means you may actually like that person. Why would you EVER give the person you’re hooking up with any reason to think you actually like them? The smirk emoji with a bunch of water droplets is an uncomfortable stretch of personal affection, and people are out here expecting to have sober sex?
Now, I’m a God-fearing Conservative like every other good-natured person out there (vote Republican, by the way) so I can’t say I’m a supporter of this "hook-up culture" with its premarital-sex shenanigans.
However, if you don’t remember the sex, it didn’t count anyway.
Hi Mediocre Advice,
So whenever my friends and I go out, the guys that I’m with always want to stand in a corner and talk to the girls that we already know. I, on the other hand, want to meet new people and go out of my comfort zone. If I can’t get my friends to come with me, do I walk up to girls alone? What do you recommend?
- Lost and Confused
Listen, there’s nothing girls love more than a confident man. My advice: Ditch your friends and approach a large group of girls solo. Now, there are a number of icebreakers you can use that will help generate comfort and good conversation. My personal favorite is to go up to the first girl in the group you make eye contact with and whisper in her ear, "You’re such a beautiful sleeper" or "Wow, you smell so different when you’re awake."
Basically, just say something that will make her laugh. Then you can go into conversation about your last hunting trip, why Carly Fiorina (even though she’s a Republican) and Hillary Clinton would make terrible presidents and how much money your dad makes. Girls love rich misogynists. Just look at Dan Bilzerian, Floyd Mayweather or Donald Trump. They kill it.
I think my girl likes Drake a little too much and it’s affecting our relationship. She keeps telling me that she wishes I was smooth like Drake, and it’s getting me down. What should I do to get that OVO swag?
Respectfully,
- 7Man aka 7god
First things first: boots, turtleneck, joggers and dance lessons. Then: haircut, voice lessons, poetry workshop and prenatal classes.
Last: Run. DO NOT JOG. I repeat: RUN through the six with your woes (if you don’t know how that s--- goes then start over).
Have a good cry. More like Drizzy? Call your girlfriend, break up with her over the phone and record the conversation. Make a beat, use her crying as the chorus and use your crying as the hook.
Have somebody else write the song using your tears, write a lullaby for children and then get casted as a part on a TV show as a disabled person.
If your OVO swag isn’t top notch by then, then you’re just S.O.L. (s--- out of luck).
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
