With college winding down (I’m a senior), how do you think I can maximize the rest of my fleeting college experience?
- Scared Senior
You know that song Drake is in, "No New Friends"?
That’s how you should live out these last few months of college. You’ve already met all the people you’re going to meet, gotten drunk at every bar one too many times and had enough regrets to fill a lifetime.
Honestly, just stop now. Don’t bother exploring cool stuff around Gainesville. You can visit Ginnie Springs when you have three whiny kids. Go to Paynes Prairie Preserve State Park when your phone won’t stop ringing from business. Sporting events are more fun as an alumnus anyway.
This is the only time in your life when you can sleep until noon and then take a nap at 3 p.m. So do that. Sleep. Sleep away the rest of your senior year and you won’t regret it; trust me.
I’m trying to impress a girl. I think she likes me, so I want to ask her on a date but I want to have the perfect date planned. What is the perfect date?
- Corndogs or Rawdogs
Despite what Miss Rhode Island thinks, I’m not the biggest fan of April 25. I’d have to say June 21, the summer solstice. It’s the longest day of the year and affords endless opportunities for fun.
When are you too old to wake up and not know where you are?
- Anonymous
This inquiry is definitely in the conversation for greatest questions submitted to this column. Honestly, you’re never too old to wake up and not know where you are. Waking up in a random place during college is a rite of passage. It’s like having your bar mitzvah! Think — You’re surrounded by people you don’t recognize; occasionally somebody slips you money for the "service" you beautifully provided; you can’t taste brunch because of your nerves; and then, ultimately, you try to burn every picture taken from your memory.
Recently, I’ve noticed some of my friends’ drug habits have been getting more aggressive. First it was just pot, then adderall, xanax and coke, then hallucinogens, and that was all fine with me. But now they’re doing whippets and I fear for their health. How do I approach them to talk about maybe toning it down without making a confrontation?
- Anonymous
The only whippets I’ve ever heard of are those cute miniature greyhound dogs, which leads me to believe your friends are into some pretty deep shit. It sounds like you need to have an intervention. Well, the first step toward having an intervention is admitting you want to have an intervention. Then you must admit you are powerless to the intervention process itself. Only then can you begin the intervention. Interventions are essentially somber surprise parties, but they are still surprise parties nonetheless. This is why it needs to be a potluck. Your best friend brings the cups, your neighbor the watermelon, mom the casserole, and make sure you bring the drugs so your friends are comfortable once they get there. After all, what’s a party without boozing up the punch and tiny greyhounds running around?
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
