My roommate keeps coming out in underwear with my boyfriend around. How do I tell her it’s not cool? More importantly, how do I tell my boyfriend to stop looking?
- Anonymous
Easy fix! Give your boyfriend an ultimatum. Trust me, as a guy, if there’s anything I have experienced firsthand that yields a positive response, it’s being given a completely unreasonable ultimatum. It’s either this or that. Your way or the highway. No room for compromise.
So here’s what you do: You channel your inner Lady Gaga and start yelling at your boyfriend about how he secretly wants to bang your roommate and not you (make sure you exaggerate everything).
Preferably do this while he is high or drunk; I recommend the former (that way he has a better grasp on what is happening).
Keep yelling and start throwing objects around the room: shoes, lamps, books, Nikes. It doesn’t matter what, as long as it will cause damage once impact is made. For the grand finale, pull out his favorite basketball jersey; hold it in front of you with a hand on either side as if you are going to rip it.
This is when you deliver the ultimatum:
"Chad, you either stop trying to have sex with my roommate when I’m not home or I’m ripping Allen Iverson aka ‘The Question’ aka ‘Pound for Pound the Greatest Player to Ever Live’ in half and you’ll never see me again."
I think you’ll be surprised at how well this works! Let me know how it goes!
Is it OK to pick your nose in front of your roommate’s boyfriend?
- Anonymous
First of all, everybody picks his or her nose and anybody who says they don’t can shove it. Saying you don’t pick your nose is like saying you don’t put your ear to your roommates’ doors at night and listen to them breathe while they sleep. I mean, obviously everybody does that. Even so, like listening to your roommate’s labored sleep apnea-ridden breathing, there is a time and place for picking your nose. It’s OK to pick your nose, and it’s OK to pick your roommate’s nose, but I assure you, there is nothing OK with picking your roommate’s boyfriend’s nose — he has his girlfriend to do that for him.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays.
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