How do I prevent freezing my face off in the coming months when I scoot around campus?
- Chill Guy
I can’t tell if you’re joking right now. Do you think that’s even possible? For your face to actually freeze off? In Gainesville, of all places?! I’m curious, so let’s consult the Internet to find out. According to weather-warehouse.com, the lowest temperature Gainesville has experienced during my time here is 22 degrees Fahrenheit, which was in February of this year. At this temperature, you won’t get frostbite. But scooting? Add, say, 35 mph in wind chill? Still won’t get frostbite. However, if temperatures get as cold as they did during the Great Blizzard of 1899 — thank you weather.gov — then you would be scooting in 6-degree weather! Add the 35 mph on your scoot and the adjusted temperature is a mere -19 degrees. Then, sir, in a frigid 30 minutes, your face will be frostbitten, and to my knowledge it will quite literally freeze and fall off.
I’m trying to grow a fresh beard. What are some styles that will get me some love in the college atmosphere?
- Beard Man Jones
Did you not just read about the Great Blizzard of 1899? Oh, wait…never mind. I forgot these questions are submitted in advance and this isn’t a back-and-forth conversation. Regardless, why grow a beard for style when you may need it for survival?! You’re out here worried about a "fresh beard" when YOUR FACE CAN QUITE LITERALLY FREEZE AND FALL OFF. I get it; millennials believe in global warming. They also believe in other crazy stuff like evolution. DON’T LET THE LIBERAL MEDIA FOOL YOU INTO BELIEVING THIS. You’ll never see me print this again, but I swear I agree with President Obama; college students are too "coddled" and "protected from different points of view." I mean, you could die, man, and you’re out here talking about style.
I just learned I’m allergic to gluten, cheese and semen (of all things lol). I get nauseous and it impairs my eyesight. I really love these foods and don’t know how to adjust. Do you have any mediocre advice?
- Captain Jack
Allergic to semen?! Makes you nauseous and impairs your eyesight? Makes sense.
Honestly, gluten allergies are trending right now. Again, DON’T LET THE LIBERAL MEDIA FOOL YOU INTO THINKING YOU’RE SICK. Anybody heard of gluten allergies three years ago? I get it, some gluten people are going to get offended by this, so know that I’m sorry. Paninis are just so delicious.
In the words of Kanye West, Daft Punk and some try-hard named Friedrich Nietzsche: "Th- that that don’t kill me, can only make me stronger." And to you, Captain Jack, I’m no scientist, but if you eat enough of the things you’re allergic to, you will eventually build a tolerance against them. Do I recommend a diet of strictly gluten, cheese and semen? Well, I don’t really see why not.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays. If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
