Hey Mediocre Advice,
My boyfriend likes me to call him "Daddy" and deviations thereof (Papa, Daddy-o, my big strong man, you get the idea) in bed. This is all well and good since I’m all about daddy-daughter play, but my own father just came back into my life after a prolonged absence, and it’s made me really confused about the whole endeavor. Should I tell my boyfriend to beat it with this dad business until I sort out my own issues, and do I run the risk of messing myself up even more if I keep having lunch with my father before meeting with my other daddy in the Ruby Tuesday’s parking lot?
- Daring & Dangerous
Just when I thought I went to school with normal people. Right when I was actually starting to get a hang of this whole "writing" thing. Then you guys hit me with this s---. Here it goes. My advice: Wait. Why are you meeting in the Ruby Tuesday’s parking lot? OK, my advice: Keep up the whole "daddy" thing. Clearly you have an Electra complex, but this is not something to be hidden – it’s something to be celebrated.
As a senior, if you could give any piece of advice to your freshman-self, what would it be?
- Anonymous
Before coming to college my oldest brother told me I would never regret staying in at night to study instead of going out to party. Boy, was he wrong. Dear freshmen, I hope you are reading this. I hope you see me as the mystical senior guru that I am. Heed my words: Don’t worry about school; you aren’t going to find a job anyway. Go out every night, let your grades fall by the wayside, make friends while you’re drunk, don’t worry about finding a mentor or role model and please, 100 percent make sure you sleep through all of your classes.
I accidentally friend-zone every new guy I meet, even if I’d rather have more benefits than just a friend. How do I stop putting them in the friend zone and get on their radar ;)?
- Friendly & Forsaken
Do I know you? Are you trying to come onto me in a public forum? NO, I WILL NOT MAKE OUT WITH YOU. I’M HERE TO WRITE. This may come off as offensive. Actually, whenever you have to preface anything with "this may come off as offensive," you can be certain it will definitely come off as offensive. But, like, guys are pretty one-dimensional. As soon as they meet a girl their primary objective is to hook up with them. It’s just science, OK? It is only until you friend-zone them that they lose faith and become friends with you (in hope they can hook up with you at a later point). These guys are trying to jump your bones every time they see you. That is, until you burp in front of one of them, punch them in the arm and say, "Sup bro?"
What’s the right way to do Gameday?
- Anonymous
You only need five things: overalls, beers, keys to shotgun your beers, a phony knowledge of football and sunglasses that allow you to veil your eyes and thereby further the male gaze.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays.
If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com.
