Recently, an Alligator editorial apologized for a column the newspaper published. In the appropriately titled column, "Mediocre Advice," the writer joked, because it is difficult to get a tan in Gainesville due to the daily downpour of rain, being "pale is better."
Now, if I were to take an extremely narrow view of the column, rip away the original intent of the author and use knee-jerk reasoning, the column would be one of the most offensive statements I’ve read in months, if not in years.
If I read the column as a whole, add the charitably humorous intent of the author and take the article with the same grain of salt with which I read anything, I will seamlessly move on with my day.
However, because we college students are all enlightened individuals tasked with defending truth, justice, equality and the American way, we must take offense to this inane remark, take it out of context and create controversy where none exists. And that’s exactly what happened.
This is yet another example of political correctness run amok. This is why comedians like Jerry Seinfeld, Chris Rock, Amy Schumer and Bill Maher worry each time they perform on college campuses. This is why we can’t have nice things.
To avert — I can only assume — the imminent boycott of the Alligator, the torrential lawsuits from the American Civil Liberties Union and the calling-in of MSNBC news trucks, the Alligator published a "mea culpa." After all, this example of faux outrage is a "teachable moment."
In the editorial, the Alligator realized the column "upset and hurt a considerable number of students and readers," and "words, no matter how well intentioned, can have dire consequences." From now on, the paper will try to be "more considerate and aware of the language used in our articles."
However, I will not be as considerate. In the following paragraphs, I will put forth the most daring, controversial and bold retort to the political correctness which has engulfed our college campuses. No sacred cows will be safe. After all is said and done, I can be confident I will have a place on the Donald Trump-presidential ticket or at least a high-level cabinet position next to Sarah Palin. Due to my remarks, I will make this campus great again. My column will be brutal. It will be merciless. It will shock. And it will enrage.
I’ve been advised to make a few precautions.
Firstly, I’d like to issue some trigger warnings. If you have heart conditions, have self-righteousness issues, are prone to outrage or don’t like newspaper columns, you probably shouldn’t read on. Like I said: This column will be brutal. And merciless. It will shock. And it will enrage. Please be advised.
Secondly, I’ve been advised to apologize for the things I haven’t yet said but will. Despite the fact that I haven’t really initiated my John Cena-esque takedown of the politically correct culture, just the thought of doing so will make some people unhappy. For that, I am sorry.
I know we live in enlightened times. I know opinions that differ from the norm shouldn’t really be said. My eventual remarks are just an example of my sense of self-entitlement, an exercise of my overblown narcissism. For that, I apologize.
I know that if I don't boil at least one person’s blood today, I’m not really doing my job as a columnist. Like the Alligator editorial said, I need to be more compassionate. Again, I am sorry.
And finally, I’ve been advised not to engage in my brutal and merciless takedown of the politically correct culture because it would not be politically correct. Doing so would cause irreparable harm. My words will unfortunately have consequences. It seems as though all of my posturing has been in vain. It seems as though this whole column has all been for naught. But you know what? At least this will be a "teachable moment" for all of us.
Michael Beato is a UF political science senior. His column appears on Mondays.
