Dear Mediocre Advice,
This girl I have made out with a few times invited me over to "watch Netflix and chill," and we watched Netflix and chilled… I tried to make a move, but she says she just doesn’t see me like that anymore. Did I just get friendzoned?
- Concerned Connor
No, Concerned Connor, sometimes women like playing hard-to-get and will say things that are the exact opposite of what they think in order to… JUST KIDDING, BRO. WELCOME TO THE FRIEND ZONE. IT WAS NICE KNOWING YOU. Next thing you know she’s going to post an Instagram picture of you guys together with the caption: "You’re like a brother to me." Cue "Shot Through the Heart" by Bon Jovi.
Your next question will probably be, "How can I get out?"
Answer: You can’t.
Hey, Advice Guy,
I have an overnight date function this weekend. I want to take this one girl, but she’s playing a little hard-to-get. I’ve already gotten with her before, so I don’t feel the need to take her. Part of me wants to, but the other half says to ask someone else. Thoughts?
- Indecisive Isaac
Well, which half of you wants to take her? The top half or the bottom half? Because if it’s the top half, then you’re just being ridiculous — never let your brain get in the way of your decision-making. Regardless, you and your date are going to have a terrific time no matter who she is. But keep in mind, if you take a random girl you can always try to swoon her by convincing her of something ridiculous, like saying you’re Peyton Manning’s younger brother. Now I know you’re no Peyton Manning, but I do have confidence you can transform into Peyton Manning’s younger brother — except better looking and with better finger sensitivity.
Dearest Simon,
I have a girlfriend whom I care about a lot, but there’s just one problem… I have a crap ton of chest hair. I want to tastefully manscape the brunette behemoth on my chest to please the lady in my life, but I don’t want to look like a hairless cat either. What do I do?!
- Harry Chesticles
I’m being 100 percent stereotypical right now, but I’m just assuming that, like every girl to ever exist in the history of ever, when your girlfriend sleeps over she steals the blankets over to her side in the middle of the night. Your chest hair can hardly keep you warm, but what if it could keep both of you warm? My advice: Shave your chest hair, hire a weaver with the most nimble fingers you can find, and ask him or her to weave a quilt from your chest hair for you and your girlfriend to use at night. Gross? I know. But effective? Absolutely.
Note: This column is a work of satire.
