Mediocre: adjective. Definition: of only moderate or ordinary quality, neither good nor bad. Language of origin: Latin, from the word mediocris. However, the French adopted this word in the 1580s in the form of mediocre, in search of a term more adequate to describe their culture. Let’s be real, the only good things the French have given to society have been crunchy, fried potato strings and those cute little bulldogs.
Advice: Noun. Definition: something you definitely do not want from somebody named S. Moskovitz.
Dear Mediocre Advice,
I am an extremely pasty young lady. Lately it’s been raining so much here that I have not been able to get some color. Do you have any advice on how to get more tan?
– Spectral Sandy
Sandy, here’s my advice on how to get a tan: DON’T DO IT. Trust me, pale is better.
Any girl can be tan; they can just sit in the sun, lie in a tanning booth or get a spray tan.
However, not any girl can be pale… think about it. Pale is elegant. Think Venus de Milo or any other ancient goddess shaped from milky ivory.
Your veins have been beautifully painted on your marble skin; be proud of them, embrace them and, whatever you do, STAY OUT OF THE SUN.
Also, be careful what you wish for. In the Middle Ages, you would have been considered a working peasant with the bronze tint you so dearly yearn for. They say fashion and style are cyclical.
Skin tone is, too. Just like denim, back hair and mullets, pale will come back — you may just have to wait a few hundred years.
Hey there Mediocre Advice,
Bae and I are pretty vanilla in the bedroom: How do I hint at her to be a little more adventurous, try some new things and make things a little more "chocolate," if you know what I’m saying?
– Anal Anonymous
Anal Anonymous? Really?
Do I actually have to answer this question?
God damn, I can’t believe I’m about to answer this question.
Well — just like everything else in this column, let me clarify that I have absolutely no prior experience that will help me answer this.
Seriously, none.
I promise.
If you want to make things more "chocolate," the first thing I would recommend is some sort of flavor-based lubricant. Banana or peanut butter are fairly complementary flavors, so I would recommend one or both of those. If you’re looking for an outlet in which you could purchase such a product, there’s always stayswetlonger.com. Not that I would know, but apparently they have six award-winning flavors. If you’d like, you can enter your email address for a free sample. Just order one of them and it will ship in three-to-four days. No, I’ve never done this, that’s just what it says on the website.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears on Tuesdays.
