RecSports scheduled a flag football game during Yom Kippur and won’t change the time. Should I play, or should I pull a Sandy Koufax?
- A Religiously Conscious Athlete
First, shout out to all my Jews out there. You should go listen to Lil Dicky, Drake and Mac Miller’s new music and support the Jewish rap game. Their albums are straight fire. I swear, when I was listening to Mac Miller’s new album in my bed, he was spitting so much fire I could have sworn he quite literally transformed into a Charizard. Drake’s new tracks are Carmen Sandi-FUEGO. Lil Dicky’s s*** is hotter than how Chipotle tastes to my grandma.
Sorry, back to your question. They scheduled a game on the holiest holy day of all?! Won’t reschedule?! Blasphemous! Instead of realizing you have to miss one extremely inconsequential flag football game, you should make this into a national conflict. I mean, it’s 2015, right? Let’s see what we as a country have gotten infuriated with so far this year: gay rights, feeling marginalized for not supporting gay rights, a dentist shooting a lion, deflated balls, crooked soccer officials, a "fake" black person, Ariana Grande licking donuts and many more "stories" your best friend’s mom shared on Facebook. My advice: Don’t settle this with UF. Go straight to Fox News. Write them an anonymous letter informing them of RecSport’s glaring anti-Semitism and intolerance toward religious students, and then fabricate a singular anecdote to back up your story.
Just kidding — This is probably the only time I will ever say this, but don’t listen to me.
I’m joking. They say all good jokes contain elements of truth, and this is what makes this response so unbearably sad. No matter who you are or what faction you identify with in our quick to jump, trigger-happy, gut-reaction approving society saturated with manufactured conflict, you won’t be able to win in 2015.
To whom it may concern,
When is "Gator Growl" and how much are tickets?
-Allie Karlardi
Wait. I got one question for you, and it’s not "WHAT ARE THOSEEEEE?!?!"
It’s, "Are you a freshman, but more importantly… DO YOU WEAR CROCS AROUND CAMPUS?!?!" Good question though, Alex. There’s this crazy thing nowadays called the Internet. It’s essentially a series of tubes that can give you answers to dumb questions. You should try to use it and Google "When is Gator Growl 2015?" Actually, you literally don’t even have to put "2015" at the end of it -- or the question mark. You can just type in "When is Gator Growl," and soon you will become self-actualized.
S. Moskovitz is a UF English senior. His satirical column appears in the Avenue section on Thursdays.
If you have any questions you would like to see answered in the weeks ahead, please email them to mediocre.alligator.advice@gmail.com, and specify whether you prefer to stay anonymous.
