Welcome back readers! We’re sure you’re settling back into the proper swing of things following our week off. In any event, it’s another week, another paper and another weekly dose of...
Darts and Laurels
First off, we’ve got confirmation on something a lot of us tracking the news have suspected for a long time. Posting snipers, pointing assault rifles and wantonly tear gassing American citizens is an inappropriate response to protests, something the Justice Department has wholeheartedly agreed upon in their report on the police response to the Ferguson protests.
It should go without saying that using military equipment meant for use against a terrorist attack on unarmed citizens is a bad call, but we’ll go ahead and award the Justice Department a laurel for practicing an ounce of common sense, a resource that has been terribly lacking as of late.
Moving on to other topics more related to law enforcement, it’s sad to see that officers still don’t understand certain details surrounding the concept of right and wrong. Like, it’s right to stop and question a college student who smells of marijuana, but it’s wrong to confiscate the $11,000 you find on his person, which he spent five years saving mind you, under the pretense that he’s a drug dealer despite finding no evidence of guns, drugs or contraband on him. And it’s incredibly wrong for 13 different law enforcement agencies to request a share of the confiscated college student’s funds rather than returning it after finding nothing on him. Damn it, 11 of the agencies weren’t even vaguely connected to the matter. For demonstrating greed and likely inflicting an unwarranted (get it?) amount of pain on the poor fellow’s life, we’ll gently drive this dart into the center of the Drug Enforcement Administration and its cronies.
Next up, the world’s lost a decent man today, and by decent man, we mean he organized the salvation of 669 Jewish children from Czechoslovakia before the eve of the Second World War, and by decent man we’d also like to highlight that he was knighted by Queen Elizabeth II for services rendered to humanity. Sir Nicholas Winton, who died at the ripe old age of 106, risked the attention of gas-chamber-happy Gestapo agents and personally funded the fake paperwork and bribes to give those children a chance to not get gassed to death during the Holocaust. Oh, and he didn’t tell a soul about this until his wife found his paperwork and basically forced him to take credit for being a hero. In honor of the passing of a real world superhero, we’ll lay a laurel to his name.
Lastly, we’ll gently pin a laurel on the legalization of 64-ounce growlers, which recently took effect in Florida. We’re also considering throwing a dart, because we’re fairly certain a good number of you readers are going to be waking up in the morning regretting your life choices after discovering this fact. For the drunken activities sure to ensue and the hangover to commence the day after, we’ll award a pinned laurel to this legislative development.
Also before we forget, have fun with your Fourth of July celebrations because GO ‘MUUUURICAAAA.
For real though, please be safe this weekend.
[A version of this story ran on page 6 on 7/2/15]
