I’m going to let you in on a secret. Little black books are outdated in the digital age. So, for record-keeping purposes, I keep a Word document that lists all the people I’ve ever hooked up with.
There are a few reasons for this. Mainly, I’m very forgetful and feel bad about myself when the doctor asks how many sexual partners I’ve had and I have to sit there counting on fingers, trying to remember.
So, I felt reassured and validated when Vice News ran an article in which the author admitted she keeps a spreadsheet listing all her sexual encounters. Mostly because no matter how ridiculous I might feel keeping a basic list, at least I don’t have a spreadsheet.
The premise of the article was this: “I sent everyone I’ve ever had sex with a survey to find out how good I am in bed.” This is basically the world’s best idea and something I’m going to do, stat.
I think it’s a cool idea to get opinions from past partners, and an anonymous survey would allow people to say things that they might not feel comfortable saying in person.
I tweeted the story out. Luckily — or unluckily, depending on whether you factor in all the other weird stuff I tweet — my current partner follows me. The next day I got a text saying, “I saw your tweet about a survey to all the people I’ve slept with and I think that’s genius, but I think it’s really only necessary for someone you’re currently having sex with because everyone likes different things.”
Then he asked for feedback. Insert some heart-eye emojis because communication is key, y’all.
I realized even though I preach open communication between partners, I’m really bad at following my own advice. I’m more of a, “Good job, champ. High five,” type than someone who really analyzes how good or bad things are.
Mostly because, well, how do you do it? It sounds like a good idea in theory, but I still struggle with how to actually bring it up without being mean or demanding or male-ego boosting.
While the idea of a survey sounds cool, that’s probably the most inefficient way possible. So, do I leave comment cards for people to complete on the way out? Am I supposed to ask them to rate my performance every time we have sex — 10 out of 10, would do again?
You also have to factor in that sex can be a pretty touchy subject. You obviously don’t want to give constructive criticism in a mean way, but if there’s something your partner does that you really don’t like, or if they’re not doing something you want, you have to bring that up.
Communication can make or break a relationship, too. I think communication styles can vary, and that’s key. But you’ll have to communicate with your partner to see how they want to talk about it.
I have a friend who was considering sleeping with someone, and she likes their in-person conversations. She told me the openness between them and how much they talk about things, even before having sex, is what makes her comfortable with him.
I know somebody else who told me before he and his partner had sex, they texted extensively about what the other liked and wanted out of it. By the time they actually did hook up, he said all the buildup and the connection made the sex amazing.
So, there are a lot of ways you can talk about things. Unfortunately, this is probably a question that has no right or wrong answer. Is communication important? That one’s a definite yes. But as for how to communicate? That’s going to differ from person to person.
My way of communicating, especially about something as sensitive as sex, is going to be different than yours. You might prefer texting while I prefer face-to-face. I might rather talk about things as they come up while you might want to have a weekly run-down.
The short answer is: It doesn’t matter how you do it, as long as you do it. If you feel uncomfortable telling someone what you like or dislike, what turns you on, what your favorite position is or what your top fantasy is, you probably shouldn’t have sex with them.
Oh, and to answer your question: I’m definitely printing up some comment cards.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her column appears on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 4/10/2015]
