Happy last day before Spring Break, Gators!
If you’ve made it to the end of the week, I applaud your dedication for not skipping classes, work and/or general responsibilities. Get ready to do the opposite of that for the next week. You deserve it.
Now, Spring Break is viewed as an inherently sexy time. Sun, alcohol, scantily clad bodies and a lack of inhibitions that only no class for a week can induce. So I sat down to brainstorm the hottest places to get it on and to get off.
But, nothing… came to me — ha. Instead, I realized all these places we think of as sexy really aren’t. Maybe it’s the sunscreen fumes getting to us.
Here’s this instead: a roundup of the least sexy places to have some fun in the sun.
If Florida’s known for anything — no, not Disney World, although that is the place where dreams come true — it’s our beaches. Easily the top Spring Break destination, having sex on the beach is one of those things that you can find on almost any sexual bucket list.
I just don’t get it, though. Maybe I’m biased because I don’t like the beach much to begin with, but it seems like you’d be asking to get sand in places where it shouldn’t be. It’s sweaty and sticky in a bad way, and in a very public area — seriously, kids go to the beach; have you no shame? Sex on the beach gets you one very painful sunburn that puts you out of commission for the rest of the week.
If you’re looking for a smaller body of water to, uh, get wet in, pools and hot tubs are out, too. Water washes away natural lubrication, so you’ll actually get the opposite of wet. Plus: bacteria. Pool sex causes a weird infection from getting chlorine in all your sensitive bits. And it doesn’t help that it’s still too cold to go swimming without being covered in some very un-sexy goosebumps.
And when you want to wash off after all your fun, don’t think of doing it in the shower. You’re probably still a little drunk, which makes an already slippery setting even more dangerous. I can’t even keep my balance when I’m shaving, let alone while having sex. One person is always cold left out of the stream of water, and doing anything on your knees results in being waterboarded. Shower sex will lead to one broken arm from slipping and a weird cover-up story to explain to your family.
Which brings me to sex at home. Not everyone gets to go somewhere exciting over break, but even those heading back to stay with their parents deserve a little love. Except, your parents are always home and go to bed at 10 p.m., and with your bedroom right next to theirs, they can totally hear you.
No amount of home-cooked meals is worth the awkward, very silent, please-thrust-less-because-you’re-making-the-bed-rock hookup you’ll have. Sex at home gets you a tense family argument and a “we’re not mad, just disappointed,” from your mom.
What are we left with? Nothing really, except the fact that I’m an incredibly boring 20-something-year-old who has no sense of adventure.
Which is why I’m leaving you with this: Every place has its cons, but you’re having sex — do you actually care? No, and I’m not here to stop you from doing what will make you and your partner happy.
So screw it, folks, and screw wherever you please. Just do said screwing safely. And drink plenty of water and wear sunscreen — otherwise, think of all the weird tan lines you’ll get.
Now enjoy your week, y’all. Spring Break fo’ ever.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her column appears on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 2/27/2015 under the headline “Typical Spring Break locales have no sex appeal”]
