On “Curb Your Enthusiasm,” comedian J.B. Smoove plays Leon Black, the brother of Loretta Black, a woman who ends up moving in with Larry David in Los Angeles after being displaced from New Orleans by a hurricane. Despite already having a home in L.A. — not to mention not even being formally invited into Larry’s house — Leon moves in, and quickly becomes a key player in Larry’s antics. When Loretta finally moves out, Larry gestures to Leon, “I guess this means you’ll be…” obviously meaning to ask him to leave as well. When Leon quickly replies that he’ll be “Going upstairs to eat this f****** Chinese food,” pausing to take a sip of soda, “in my f****** room,” Larry can’t even muster the energy to debate the point.
Leon is the textbook definition of what I’ve come to call the “semi-welcome guest.” A person who, although you don’t necessarily want them in your home, is entertaining enough that you’re willing to put aside your reservations about his or her presence for what you hope will be a brief period of time. Leon is profane, selfish and obnoxious. He’s also hilarious and, more often than not, unexpectedly a boon to Larry.
As luck would have it, I ended up interlocked with semi-welcome guests of my own last weekend. When a buddy of mine in Jacksonville asked if he and an unspecified number of his friends could stay with me for a night while they were in town for a concert — one that I had not planned on attending — I had a few concerns.
For one: He, as well as his posse, are punks. I’m not using that word in a condescending sense either. The first time we hung out, he was selling records and promoting his self-published zine at an abandoned warehouse for an impromptu punk show. He was also the first person I ever moshed with.
Second, having witnessed it firsthand, I know the level of belligerence and destruction he’s capable of when sauced. The idea of having a whole horde of people like him in my house made my blood run cold.
Third, and perhaps a tad bit pejoratively, I live with fraternity dudes. Punks and fraternity dudes are like Ann Coulter and critical thinking — they just don’t go together.
Against my better judgment and because I love him, I agreed to let him and his homies crash at my place. When I asked him how many people would be staying, the following text conversation ensued. Names are changed to protect the innocent.
“How many people/who”
“Just like 3. Derek, Jack, maybe this chick Alexis. And Bri. Robbie.”
“That’s 5. 6 total, actually.” “Yeah.” “Jesus.”
Two cars and seven punks later, they arrived. Putting aside my irritation and instead honing in on my excitement, I guided them in a manner befit of a drunken Moses to the concert — Parquet Courts, a garage-rock outfit — and the night was underway.
Not all of the conversations or capers that ensued are fit for publication. Needless to say, we ended up losing a few along the way. One of my distinguished guests was thrown out after attempting to punch a bouncer in the face. Later, while taking a drag of a cigarette — whatever — outside between opening acts, I caught one of my visitors, who we’ll refer to as Robbie, asking what he had done wrong while being escorted out of the venue by police. I would later learn that he’d attempted to steal a box of cassettes from the merchandise table. Robbie went on to drive to Orlando that night, leaving behind those he’d brought in the first place. In true Shakespearean fashion it would end up being the cassette tapes that robbed him, rather than the other way around. To borrow a phrase from David Spade’s classic “Dickie Roberts: Former Child Star,” the concert itself was “nucking futs.”
What did I learn from this experience? Always let semi-welcome visitors into your home. Sure, it may not be the most convenient experience, and they may give you a headache, but odds are they’ll show you a good time. Additionally, any concerns you may have about their behavior will often be, ironically enough, solved by their own hijinks. Nine out of 10, would do again.
Zach Schlein is a UF political science junior. His column appears on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 6 on 2/6/2015 under the headline “Don’t kick out those semi-welcome guests"]
