This week’s headlines were splattered with all kinds of hectic news: takes on the State of the Union address, renewed culture-war skirmishes surrounding “American Sniper,” and — let’s not forget — balls. Here’s this week’s edition of...
Darts & Laurels
A story broke this week of an accident in the Egyptian Museum in Cairo. Evidently, the gold funerary mask of King Tutankhamen — one of the most priceless objects in history — has been damaged. Specifically, that long, groovy beard pharaohs used to sport back in the day broke off last year. Nobody seems to be sure how it happened; there are differing accounts from museum staff. But, like, whatever. Accidents happen. What’s really unforgivable is how staff dealt with the unintentional beard removal. Anxious to get the mask back on display as soon as possible — it’s a cultural treasure and tourist icon on par with the Mona Lisa — museum brass demanded the beard be briskly glued back on with epoxy. Whoever did the job got some schmutz on Tut’s face, though, so somebody scraped off the extra glue — leaving scratches and gashes on the mask. So here’s a don’t-practice-arts-and-crafts-on-precious-artifacts DART to the upper management of the Egyptian Museum.
The newly-Republican majority House got off to an aggressive start Thursday by passing a law that would ban federal subsidies for abortion procedures. The bill itself probably won’t have any effect; it faces staunch opposition in the Senate, and President Barack Obama has already said he’ll veto it as soon as it gets to his desk. Pushing a bill like this through wasn’t a move to make policy, but a symbolic gesture: Thursday was the 42nd anniversary of Roe v. Wade, the Supreme Court decision that recognized the right for doctors to perform abortions nationwide. Coming in the days immediately following the president’s plea for cooperation, this vote demonstrates the new government is not willing to play nice. So here’s a don’t-use-women’s-rights-as-a-pawn-in-your-passive-aggressive-beef-with-the-president DART to House Republicans.
In many ways, the biggest story that hit the airwaves and fiber-optic cables this week had to do with less-than-satisfactory balls. It seems that during the American Football Conference Championship Game against the Indianapolis Colts, somebody on the New England Patriots’ side let some air out of the team’s balls. In theory, this would make it easier for players to throw and catch said balls; i.e., the Patriots cheated. An investigation done by the NFL found that of the 12 balls used by the Patriots in that game, 11 were “under-inflated.”
Controversies like this one tend to rock the nation, apparently. It seems to be a pretty big deal, but, as Tom Brady said in a press conference where he vehemently denied any involvement in the scandal, “this isn’t ISIS.” Because it’s a mildly controversial scandal occurring within U.S. borders, people with apparently boundless cleverness have already affixed the suffix “-gate” to the word “ball,” making a word that we refuse to print due to its unbelievable stupidity. A hefty it’s-a-game-why-why-why-WHY DART to the Patriots and people who perpetuate the scandal.
That's all for now, folks.
