I asked, and you answered. Thanks to all who submitted questions and ideas to me. This week, someone wrote to me with an issue between her and her boyfriend: They have sex and after he orgasms, he feels no attraction to her. Her question: “I’m wondering if you’ve ever come across this before where a guy, after climaxing, loses attraction, sexual desire, and even emotional desire?”
I liked the email because I thought the question was interesting, but mostly because I liked the writer’s description of her relationship. I’m going to take a time out from advice to give mad props to this couple: When they hook up, he makes sure to get her off first.
It might not seem like a big deal, but she seemed less upset about his post-sex intimacy because he focused on her first. Sex should be about both parties, and since only 29 percent of females orgasm every time compared to 75 percent of men — insert crying emoji here — setting aside time to focus on his girlfriend is a really cool thing for this guy to do. You go, Glen Coco.
Now, back to the question at hand. I think it’s a fairly common thing to lose arousal after orgasm. The boyfriend’s post-sex behavior sounds similar to when you watch porn and are immediately disgusted with yourself after you climax, like, “What filth was I just watching? I need to go take three showers and apologize to my mom.” Side note: Other people experience this too, right?
I figured there had to be a scientific explanation for the decrease in attraction, but my extent of scientific knowledge is that the mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell. Google brought up a lot of blogs and comment forums that confirmed that this is a relatively common issue and even some non-men have experienced it too.
That being said, the most scientific explanation for the phenomenon is that your brain is being a total cockblock. This might come as a surprise to people, but your lower half isn’t doing all the work during sex. Your brain does a big job, releasing chemicals and such. When you orgasm, dopamine — a chemical known for its part in pleasure and addiction — reaches its peak. Right after orgasm, your dopamine levels drop significantly.
Side effects of low dopamine levels sound a lot like what this dude feels post-coitus: antisocial behavior and “inability to love.” Orgasms also release oxytocin, which encourages bonding and trust. Women release more oxytocin than men after sex, which is what sparks the stereotypical belief of women wanting to cuddle and men wanting their own space post-sex.
As for suggestions to make the issue go away, I hate to say that it seems unlikely beyond rewiring your brain. One website suggested that stress might be blocking the release of oxytocin, which might make those levels lower after orgasm. But if you’re totally relaxed — so no big tests coming up to distract you and no problems in your personal life — it seems like normal brain function is the thing to blame.
To be fair, I’m no scientist, so take this with a grain of salt. But the issue seems common enough that I wouldn’t worry about it. As long as your relationship is good otherwise, both sexually and emotionally, I wouldn’t put too much stock in why he’s not attracted to you for the few minutes after he orgasms. If you’re still worried that he’s not sexually attracted to you, there’s only one way to find out: round two.
Still have any questions about your burning desires? Send them in to opinions@alligator.org. I’ll write about them next week.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her column appears on Fridays.
