A few weeks ago, I got an email asking for advice on how to practice safe BDSM sex.
I was tickled by the email, but I must admit — I know slim to none about the BDSM community, aside from that it stands for bondage and discipline, sadism and masochism. So, I did what I always do and turned to the Internet for some answers.
Several blogs, some porn videos and one ruined browser history later, I wasn’t satisfied. I get why the guy asked me for advice — there’s a lot of information out there to sift through. It’s intimidating and hard to tell what’s really important.
So, I texted a friend, “Hey, some guy wants BDSM advice, so we have to do that.” He seemed enthusiastic — which is important! — so we went from there.
If BDSM is something both you and your partner are comfortable trying, great. BDSM can refer to a lot of things, though, so it’s important to be on the same page. Talk about exactly what you want to do. Do you want to drip hot wax on your partner’s chest? Do you want to be tied up to the bed? Do you want to be spanked with a paddle or whipped?
If you come up with a lot of things you want to try, pick just one to start out with if you’re new to BDSM. Once you decide on what you actually want to do, set boundaries. When I arranged my own rendezvous, we decided that neither of us were comfortable with more hardcore, painful scenes, but we did want to try bondage.
From there, my partner and I talked about what would make us uncomfortable. He said that he didn’t want to be tied up and that, while he was OK with, say, my wrists being tied together, he didn’t want me tied down to an object. I agreed, but past that, I’ll leave the rest of our adventure to your imagination.
Here’s the deal: I’m not a BDSM expert. I dipped my toes in the water and I had a good time, but the best way to get information about any subject is to go straight to the source.
So here’s my real advice: Get involved with an actual BDSM community. You’ll learn more about safety and what to expect by talking to people who have BDSM sex regularly. This could mean reading blogs online, participating in forums — a post on the FetLife.com Gainesville community group suggested the site’s “Trinity” group — or meeting up with like-minded people.
In the meantime, here are some extra tips I did find helpful from my Internet exploration. Try It Comic suggests using plain old English — “The ropes are making my wrists go numb, can you loosen them?” — rather than a safe word. This won’t completely stop or derail the action, but it will tell your partner exactly what they should do to make you more comfortable. This might not apply to every scene, though, so make sure to discuss it with your partner.
Safety is also of utmost importance. According to BDSM professionals Lady Green and Jay Wiseman, you should be able to get your partner out of their restraints in one minute. Make sure you know how to properly and safely bind a person to still allow for, you know, breathing. Also, it doesn’t hurt to keep a first-aid kit and some scissors nearby. If something goes wrong, it’s good to have a way to cut rope or free your partner quickly.
Additionally, you should check in during the scene — “Are you still doing OK?” — as well as after — “I had a lot of fun, what did you think?” This allows you to discuss how you felt about the action and gives room to suggest something new or address some problems — “I liked it when you spanked me with the paddle, but next time, maybe not so hard?”
Ultimately, as long as your sexual acts are between consenting adults, done safely and don’t cause anyone discomfort, go for it! Just like with sexuality as a whole, communication is the dominant — and submissive — force behind it.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her columns appear on Fridays.
[The views expressed here are not necessarily those of the Alligator.]
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 12/5/2014]
