October is here, and you know what that means. No, we’re not talking about candy corn, haunted houses or ancient ritualistic pagan sacrifices. We here at Trojan are proud to announce our new pumpkin spice condoms.
That’s right. You heard correctly. For a limited time only, we’re mass-producing orange glow-in-the-dark pumpkin spice latex condoms. So before you turn off the Disney Channel’s 31-day-long marathon screening of “Hocus Pocus” and run to the nearest gas station, let us tell you more about our innovative new product.
The condom can be used just like any other, but when you put it over your head to blow it up like a balloon using your nose, it smells a lot better when it pops.
We believe that the condom will make a great accessory to any Halloween costume. Your Lightsaber doesn’t match your Jedi costume? Put a condom on it. Your Bugs Bunny costume didn’t come with a carrot? Stick a twig in the condom. Your costume requires an orangutan sidekick? Put your little brother in it.
If you don’t believe us about the quality and versatility of pumpkin spice condoms, just look at our online customer reviews.
BasicGurl69 wrote that the condoms “taste like real pumpkin” and make her “boyfriend’s jack-o’-lantern really glow.”
“On a scale of one to even, I literally can’t,” wrote CaliiiBetch93. “I put these things on friggin’ everything I friggin’ eat. I put them on my salads, on my salads and on my salads.”
“I can’t wait to hand them out when kids come trick-or-treating in my neighborhood,” wrote JakesGrandma1. “They look delicious, but they should put a choking hazard on them or something.”
At our promotional events all over the U.S., we had great reviews by people from all walks of life. Sexy cat, sexy policewoman, sexy angel, sexy devil and sexy nudist colony member all gave the condom a high rating on a scale from “absolutely not” to “hyperventilation and arms flailing to the point of passing out.”
We are eager to serve our customers in any way. We’re looking forward to creating flavored condoms for every holiday. This December, we are anticipating eggnog- and gingerbread-flavored condoms, and come February, we will unveil condoms that taste like those god-awful chalk-flavored candy hearts everyone’s third-grade teacher used to hand out.
But until then, relax, and go enjoy those autumn campfires. Just don’t forget to pick up a pack of Trojan pumpkin spice condoms when the smell of decomposing sacrificial human flesh in the fire pit starts to fade away, and you take your lover into the tent for some post-Samhain celebratory sex.
Zachary Lee is a satirist and UF philosophy sophomore.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 10/15/2014]
