Site: Your couch (Cap. 4)
Kickoff: Noon, Saturday
TV/Radio: SEC Network / 850 AM
Welcome to the "Rocky Top" edition of the alligatorSports Brand Picks Column.
That’s right. The alligatorSports road crew is heading down to the Tennessee hills — the place where there ain’t no smoggy smoke on top and their ain’t no telephone bills — to watch the Gators and the Volunteers face off.
The song will be drilled into our heads if the game is as close as the two-and-a-half point line predicts it will be (Once there was a girl on rocky top/Half bear the other half cat.)
The 100,000-plus fans that are going to fill Neyland Stadium will scream it at the top of their lungs (Wild as a mink, sweet as soda pop/I still dream about that.)
The chants have the potential to be nonstop. (Rocky top, you’ll always be/Home sweet home to me/Good ole rocky top/Rocky top Tennessee, rocky top Tennessee)
OK. I think we’ve already heard enough.
Now onto the Picks!
In first place with a 23-15 record is the Orlando Sentinel’s Edgar "Sweet Lou" Thompson, who continually used the nickname in reference to former Florida cornerback Loucheiz Purifoy during media availability this week. Man, Edgar. You missed out on the chance to call him (un)Purifoy.
Boasting a 21-17 record in second place is Jonathan "Big-brown spider fearing" Czupryn, who rambled off a 20-minute story about a brown recluse spider making its way into his car and how it forced him to buy a bug bomb at Lowe’s and set it off inside his car. Really, Zoop? What’s the worst that could have happened to you? Necrosis? That’s not too bad. It could’ve been Ebola.
Also in second place is Landon "skippin’ out" Watnick, who chose to stay at home on Wednesday while the rest of us listened to the wise words of D.J. Durkin. Seriously? You’re so high and mighty now that you have a full-time job that you choose to skip out on Durkin. At least you’ll be at the game this weekend. Oh wait.
In fourth place with a 19-19 record is Morgan "Reptile House" Moriarty, who entertained listeners on the alligatorSports podcast about her vast knowledge of living, breathing alligators. You better watch out, Morgan. We’ve seen those gators eat bigger things than you.
Tied with Morgan with a .500 record is Jordan "I like markers" McPherson, who’s highlight of the week was purchasing a four pack of dry-erase markers. Seriously Jordan? Are you that much of a workaholic that buying markers for the office is the most exciting experience for you? Dude, it’s not that great, they weren’t even scented.
In sixth place and two games below .500 Richard "good Samaritan" Johnson, who came to Czupryn’s rescue after receiving the following text: "Can I ask a big favor from one of you guys. I’m stranded at the CVS on Archer and was wondering if I could get a ride to and from the Alligator?" Good for you, Richard. And how does he follow that up? By helping a random guy push his truck across Archer and 34th. Most of us probably would have left Zoop on the side of the road, but you did the right thing.
Tied with Richard for sixth at 18-20 is Thomas "Movin’ on up" Goldkamp, who finally moved out of dead-ass-last after being stuck there since this season’s Picks column began. Maybe the New Orleans Saints should follow your path if they want to break out from the dweller of the NFC South. But then again, I guess there’s nothing wrong with being tied with the Bucs, right?
And in dead-ass-last with a piss-poor record of 17-21 is Nick "Swipe Right, Ask Questions Later" de la Torre, who debated the pros of the dating app Tinder during media availability this week. Really, man? If you put as much time into your picks as you do to swiping away on your phone, you might actually be doing well. But I’m pretty sure your Tinder sightings will totally give you the bigger victory in the end.
Four Gators converge to tackle Volunteers running back Rajion Neal (20) during Florida’s 31-17 victory against Tennessee on Saturday in Ben Hill Griffin Stadium.
