When Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake did the friends with benefits thing, they made it look easy. If only real life were that fair.
The appeal of a friends with benefits relationship, or FWB, is pretty simple. This person and I are friends. We get along really well together and have a lot of fun when we hang out. You know what would make it better? Hooking up.
I’m not arguing that sex isn’t great and can’t make relationships better, but if you’ve ever had a FWB, you know this type of relationship hardly ever works out.
One of you gets jealous, or someone develops feelings, or you’re not on the same page with what you want out of the relationship.
Some FWBs do end in success, but it’s all too common for them to end poorly — ruining both the sex and the friendship.
Kendra Knight, a communications professor at DePaul University in Illinois, recently published a study that provides a little more insight into the difficulty of FWB relationships. With science!
The study focused on communication’s effect on FWB relationships. What it found was this: There isn’t really any communication actually going on.
Not having to actually talk is just one of the many benefits — pun intended — of the friends with benefits relationship model. Or at least, that’s the common consensus.
But apparently that way of thinking is the downfall for most casual hookups.
I know in the past when I’ve had FWBs, I’ve been reluctant to have a real conversation about it because I don’t want it to seem like I’m trying to have “The Talk.”
This was a common fear in participants, both male and female, of the study: No one wants to appear clingy or desperate, so they just don’t say anything.
Not discussing the relationship can serve as a way to make it seem less “real,” as well. It’s like, if we don’t talk about it or acknowledge it or remotely act as if we’re hooking up, then this is just a casual, meaningless relationship.
It’s almost as if a common goal in FWB relationships is to see who is the most casual, who cares the least. No one wants to be the person to bring up the “So… we’ve been hooking up for a while…” conversation.
I’ll admit that I too have a bad habit of avoiding real conversations.
One time, I had a great FWB relationship with a guy I knew, but we never talked about it. We never really acknowledged that we were hooking up or that we were some form of a “thing,” however casual it was. When it fizzled out, we never had a conversation about it. I asked him what happened and he said he “didn’t know.” There was no closure, something that probably could have been avoided if we had communicated more from the start.
The friends with benefits relationship is inherently strange. You’ve got this person who you’re friends with, who you probably hang out with at least semi-regularly, either alone or in a group, but you’re also hooking up with them.
It’s not quite a relationship, but it’s also not nearly as casual as a f**k buddy. You have to see this person outside of the bedroom, but you’re also probably not going on dates with him or her.
Here’s the hard truth, for both myself and others: If you’re unwilling or unable to have a five-minute conversation with your partner, you probably shouldn’t be hooking up with him or her.
It doesn’t have to be a long conversation, but it’s good to set some ground rules. How often do you guys plan on hooking up? Only on weekends? Are late-night booty calls OK? What about post-coitus cuddling? Do you want to keep it to yourselves or is it OK to tell mutual friends?
So take a few minutes before or after — probably not during — your next bedroom adventure to make sure your friends with benefits relationship is as beneficial as it can be.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her columns appear on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 10/17/2014]
