Weddings are usually a fun affair — an excuse to eat, drink and be merry.
My sister’s wedding is today, and I am thrilled for a chance to celebrate the marriage of two of my best friends.
More than that, I was thrilled that as a maid of honor, I got to throw a bachelorette party.
If a wedding is a classy affair to celebrate love and commitment, a bachelor or bachelorette party is the complete opposite.
I was excited that throwing one would give me an excuse to get drunk and to buy all the penis paraphernalia X-Mart carries.
When I left for her bachelorette weekend, I had in tow with me penis straws, a penis water gun, penis sprinkles, a penis cookie cutter and the jewel — family, I’d presume — of the party, a penis cake.
It was a regular old penis party.
Now let me tell you a thing about women. This certainly doesn’t apply to everyone, but it happens on a fairly regular basis: If you get a group of girls together, the conversation will eventually turn phallic.
This is only magnified when you throw in some alcoholic beverages that you’re encouraged to suck down through a surprisingly anatomically accurate straw.
So there I was last weekend with a plastic penis in my mouth, talking about dicks with my sister and her friends. It’s a phrase not often said.
I’d like to tell you that after all our discussion, we were all in agreement on penises.
I’d like to say that we came up with the perfect formula for dicks — have X, Y and Z and you’ll be able to please every man, woman and person you meet!
But, as with most other facets of sexuality, everyone has a different opinion.
While that might make it difficult to figure out what one individual wants or likes, that also means that somewhere out there are people who think your penis is the best they’ve ever come across.
There was a girl who thought dicks were weird and unpleasant to look at — although to be fair, she said the same about vulvas. One woman said cocks are her favorite male body part.
There were varying opinions on shafts and balls — some preferred one to the other, some liked neither, one person was a fan of the whole…package.
There were some things that we came to a consensus on, though.
First off, size doesn’t matter too much.
Maybe there just weren’t any size queens at the party, but none of us were too concerned with measurements.
One girl explained that the guy she was seeing right now isn’t the biggest she’s ever had, but he makes up for it by being really good at everything else.
Sex isn’t just about penis-in-vagina penetration, so you don’t size up — pun intended — to other people if you’re only good for having a big dick.
I hate to break it to you, dudes, but a big cock probably won’t get someone off more than an average-sized one.
It’s almost too cheesy to quote but, “It’s not the size of the boat, but the motion of the ocean.”
A lot of women will be more satisfied if you can supplement your P-in-V action with some impressive hand or mouth skills.
We also agreed that the penis in question is almost always made better if you actually like the person attached to it.
There’s usually a direct correlation between the affection toward someone and the enjoyment of that person’s genitalia.
The most important opinion is yours, though. It doesn’t really matter — as much as I like to think it does — what I, or anyone else for that matter, think about your dick.
If you feel comfortable with your own body, that will show.
It’s important to be confident with your own body parts — however weird or funny to talk about they might be.
So for the conclusion of this column, I tried hard to come up with a penis joke.
But unfortunately, it just wouldn’t come.
Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her columns appear on Fridays.
[A version of this story ran on page 7 on 10/24/2014]
