S
ex can be fantastic. It can be terrible. It isn’t difficult to look up details about sexual techniques or how to hook up. What’s not so easy is managing strong emotions and moments when decision-making occurs.
Few people want to be hurt or cause hurt in a relationship, no matter how long it may last. Here are a few truisms to think about that may help you navigate the challenges of sexual intimacy. You aren’t going to want to believe them, but you should.
• Solo sex is the only safe sex. If you are comfortable engaging in masturbation, learn techniques that give you pleasure, and don’t be embarrassed to become an expert. Quite possibly, someday, you and a partner will benefit from what you have learned.
• Sexual intimacy ALWAYS changes a relationship, and there’s no turning back. Don’t be in a hurry to add sex to the equation.
• The people who tend to attract us the most are almost always charismatic and attractive to others, as well. This means that they may have had previous partners and pose a risk of being the carrier of a sexually transmitted infection, whether they realize it or not.
• Even a well-meaning partner will not want to admit previous indiscretions. Don’t ask, “Have you always used condoms in the past?” Rather, ask: “Have you always, every time, without exception, used condoms with all previous partners?” The answers to these questions are often different. And sometimes people honestly can’t remember.
• Unless you are the most beautiful, brilliant and charming person around, you have to realize that someone who is willing to have sex with you on your first date or encounter has done this before. Probably many times.
• Regardless of the orifice in use, mucous membrane contact carries some risk of bacterial and viral transmission, even when a partner truly feels uninfected. Beware, too, of “near intercourse.” Once things get heated up, it’s very difficult to resist the slippery slope.
• About contraception: If this is a concern (i.e., you are in a heterosexual relationship and view baby-making seriously), look into your options and use condoms with another method to avoid scary moments of “forgetting.”
• It is tempting to trust a partner’s fidelity, but if the relationship decays, it is very difficult for some people to admit they have had intercourse with someone else. Even if you are sure that a relationship with intercourse (regardless of which orifice) will last forever, the important question to ask yourself is: If you break up with this person, how would you rather remember the relationship? With condoms or without?
Joanne B. Auth is a retired health educator from Gainesville.
[A version of this story ran on page 8 on 9/12/2014 under the headline "Open letter to students on sex"]
