I always look forward to my annual doctor’s appointment. I went to one a couple weeks ago, and it was a welcome reminder that my blood pressure is good and my allergies still suck. It was enjoyable, that is, until my doctor insisted on running a pregnancy test.
Sure, I hadn’t had my period for a few months, but I chalked that up to stress messing up my body’s cycles. I had even taken an at-home test — just to be sure.
But the chance, however small, that I might be pregnant sent me into a spiral of worry: What if my at-home pregnancy test was wrong? Can I really go nine months without drinking? How much do DNA tests cost? My parents are going to kill me. I can’t have a child. I am a child.
Despite being on the pill and using a condom every time I had sex, I was still worried. I might have even sent some choicely worded texts to my best friend about how “Satan’s spawn might be growing in my womb.”
In the end, I was worrying for nothing. The test came back negative. You’re welcome, mom and dad. My doctor said my period was just late due to lower estrogen levels caused by stress-related weight loss.
But the experience reminded me of so many other pregnancy scares that college-induced promiscuity has made too real for my friends, my classmates and myself.
If you have a uterus and you have even been near a penis, you’ve probably gone through a similar baby-related frenzy. Anytime my period is late, I convince myself it’s because I’m pregnant, regardless of how biologically impossible that might be.
There are a lot of legitimate medical explanations for a late or missed period — stress, weight gain, weight loss and increased exercise to name a few. Conveniently, these are also side effects of a typical college lifestyle.
Sorry, freshmen. Now you have to wonder if your body is telling you you’re pregnant or if you’re just worried about failing organic chemistry. So, a PSA to the Summer B newcomers: Chances are, you’ll be an unwilling participant in your very own pregnancy scare at least once over the next three to five years.
You can tell yourself that it won’t happen, but sure enough, come your first Spring Break, you’ll be taking a pregnancy test alone in the Target bathroom. Not that it happened to me. Sorry, mom and dad.
It’s okay, though. Pregnancy scares happen, and they’re possible no matter how much protection you use. Take myself as an example: Your first scare is the hardest. Once you get through that, you’ll learn what will best help you get through any future pregnancy freak-outs
Everyone is different, but I like having ice cream and a friend with me. One of my best friends never tells her partner about the scares. Everything is up to you.
If you do find yourself in a pregnancy-scare situation, don’t panic. You’re probably still going to, regardless of my advice, but you’ll have your answer — for better or for worse — in the time it takes to go to the convenience store, pee on a stick and wait for the result.
While you’re waiting for your fate to be decided in the form of a thin blue minus or plus mark, consider stocking up on some condoms.
If we can learn anything from these scares, it’s that protection is a must.
The only totally effective form of birth control, though, is abstinence. If you are having vaginal sex, however, use a contraceptive method to cut down on your risk, or these scares will be a monthly occurrence.
In the end, everything comes down to what the pregnancy test says. If you are pregnant, good luck. As the child-hating soul I am, I wouldn’t wish that on anyone. Be sure to discuss your options with your partner and a medical professional.
But if the test comes back negative? Congratulations. Go ahead and get “I’m-not-pregnant-so-fetal-alcohol-syndrome-isn’t-my-problem” drunk.
[Robyn Smith is a UF journalism junior. Her columns appear on Tuesdays. A version of this column ran on page 6 on 7/1/2014 under the headline "Late Periods: Keep calm and carry on"]
